How To: Get a Job

Cliff here. Everyone has been in a panic lately, and I’m damn tired of hearing about it. Losing a job seems to turn people into whiners. “I don’t have an income!” they gripe. Well I’m in a good mood today, so let me help you out.

If you are unemployed, the first thing you need to do is get off your computer. What are you doing reading this junk? Who’s paying your Internet bills? If it’s you, well done. You don’t need a job. If your mother, wife, or any other woman is supporting you, you’re a freeloader. It’s a good thing you decided to listen to good ‘ol Cliff.

Let’s first get one thing strait. For those “professionals” that don’t work with their hands (fairies): if your job requires you to wear pants made of any material other than denim, you’re already tiptoeing the gay line. If you adhere to any dress code that says ‘business casual’, you’ve disappointed your penis. Acceptable careers include lumberjack, ninja, weight lifter, construction worker, or brew master.

The first step to getting a new job is to put on a different shirt. That spaghetti stained wife-beater you’ve got on isn’t gonna cut it. If the shirt you’ve chosen smells like any sort of flower or a “summer’s breeze”, throw it on the floor and let it marinate in your scent. You can wear it next week. Also, make sure you don’t have a collar on that shirt you’re holding, unless you want to be a accountant or some other soulless pseudo-man.

Next, write out a resumé. By hand. In blood. I predict you’ll need at least three of the six quarts of blood coursing through your veins. If you get dizzy or pass out, it’s more proof that you’re a giant daisy. You’ll need at least two copies in case the first business you offer your services to is full of ugly women. Detail your accomplishments on paper, and either use a dictionary or learn to spell. You’re kind of stupid.

Take your resumé to the unsuspecting business you’ve chosen to grace with your sex. Let’s assume it’s an auto shop, and you want to be a mechanic. If they don’t have an open position then wait until they close, find an employee in the parking lot, and MAKE yourself an open position. Bring your resumé in, walk in to the manager’s office and begin the interview. Don’t wait for him to initiate, or he’ll start to think he’s in charge. Ask him three questions.

1. Why don’t you wipe that look off your face? (rhetorical question)
2. Why do you think I deserve this position?
3. What is your greatest weakness? (remember this for future
   exploitation)

When you get that job, send me some money. You owe me for all the help, queenie. Come back next week for some free advice.