How To: Fix a Lesbian

Cliff here. I love girl on girl action, it’s a beautiful thing. One thing I will NOT tolerate, however, is a woman who wants to get her jollies exclusively from another woman. Sure, it’s great to watch, but unless you’re shelling clams with a webcam running and men from all over the planet watching, what’s the point? I’m pretty sure the genital structure of men and women is made to fit together, let’s not go trying to change the function of human anatomy just to make a statement. If you want to play around, that’s swell – bring your sister. Instead of being a selfish jerk, though, consider spreading it around a little more than your “life partner”.

“But Cliff”, you say, “Aren’t most lesbians gross and ugly? Do we really need them in the banging rotation?” You make a good point, my friend, but my response to you is two-fold:

- While I will not be shanking bull-dykes anytime in the near future, there are entire populations of men who get little or no action from the population of 10s, and occasional 9s who I allow to share my seed. We shouldn’t let these “ladies” out of the rotation, effectively rooster blocking our comrades.

- While they are quite elusive, the lipstick lesbian DOES exist. Allowing her to opt out of man-loving is like chopping the wings off a bird. Plus it’s fun to bang hotties with their hottie friends participating.

So based off my irrefutable logic in the two points above, I’m not arguing that the ladies need to stop slip ‘n sliding with their lady friends, I’m simply saying that if you’re going to munch a taco, you may as well sample some kielbasa. Since the bull dyke seems to be the biggest problem for my fellow men, follow these few simple points to fix the lesbians around you.

1. Out-man the manly women. Does her hair cut resemble Haley Joel Osment’s in The Sixth Sense? Cut yours shorter. If she wants to cut hers shorter, shave your head, and scalp the skin from your skull. Not only will she be shocked at your testicular fortitude, you will look BADASS with your skull showing.

2. Demonstrate the versatility and usefulness of the male member. If she acts unimpressed with your drumstick, then it’s probably too small. Prove to her that you can at least wield that hog with authority. Pick things up with it, reach across the table and poke her in the eye, or at least use it to wrap around and hold your beer can. If your dong is not prehensile, teach it to become an elephant’s trunk. With a third arm, it’s much easier to function, plus that’s hilarious.

3. Seduce her. Don’t worry about wine and roses, a monster lesbo that doesn’t straighten out after steps one and two won’t respond to the gentle sexification. Show her what she’s missing by abstaining from Slim Jims. She’s more interested in some slap and tickle than some gentle caresses in the dark. Bring her to a public place, like the park or your mother’s vaheena, and turn her around. If you use lotion on any body part other than your late night personal love play, stop it. It’s weird. She’ll respect your manhand calluses, and your alligator skin is what she doesn’t even know she’s been missing.

Now that you know the proper way to fix a lesbian, go out and turn some of these ladies around, literally and figuratively. Take one or two for the team, and straighten out these broads for some of your fellow men who can’t get tail from the strait ladies. Be a man, and the girlie-loving women will follow. See you next week.