How To: Dominate World of Warcraft

Cliff here. Let me kick this off by saying you should have something better to do with your time than playing an online role-playing game. Banging hotties, plundering cities, and generally having a good time takes up most of my free time, but we’re taking baby steps with you fairies. If I had to pick one piece of wisdom to share with all the pseudo men of the world, I would tell you to be the best at whatever bit of gayishness you decide to undertake. Want to be a cage fighter? Kick every ass that dares to step into your octagon. Always wanted to rule the world? Run for President. Anything else is half-assing, and that is one thing I will not tolerate from male humans.

I have never played this World of Warcraft thing, but I know enough about it to lay down a few pointers. First and most importantly, you have to get your ACTUAL life in order. Get a job, pay your bills, and move out of your parents’ house. That should be enough to keep the real WoW nutbags busy for a while. Chances are, you haven’t seen the light of the sun since the game was released. Most importantly, if you can’t walk into a REAL bar, strike up a conversation with a REAL girl, and put your REAL genitals to work in a REAL way, you have no business hopping onto a computer to short-cut your way through life.

Basically, online role-playing games are one of the easiest ways to skip over any sort of effort and bring yourself all the awesomeness that comes with being a man. If you want to be the world’s greatest archer, get your ass off the couch and shoot something with arrows. Nobody wants to listen to some douche talking to his friends through a headset, telling them about all the goblins he’s slain, or the dragons he’s conquered. Sad. Tony Hawk has earned the right to play a badass game about skateboarding, because he can do it in real life. Tiger Woods can sit on his ass all day, playing the latest golf simulation game because his names on the damn box. He also could play a video game called “Hide the Sausage”, since he’s obviously mastered that facet of REAL life, too.

Anyway, here’s all you need to play your stupid online game:

1. Embark on a REAL LIFE quest. You should be in imminent danger of death the entire time, and your quest only ends when you’ve chopped the head off of an Ice Giant, or worked your way through an entire cheerleading squad. The best quests should allow time for both monster-slaying AND tickle time with a slew of ladies.
2. Make sure to have a badass REAL life weapon. Swords are badass if you didn’t buy one out of SkyMall, and it isn’t a replica of Gandalf’s broadsword. If your weapon is hanging on a wall unsharpened, it’s not a weapon – it’s a decoration. Women will not want to sleep with you. Period. Sharpen that bitch, and use it to chop some terrorists up when they try to destroy your city.
3. Wear a cape. In REAL life. You dress your stupid online characters up like they’re your own personal “action figure”, but don’t have the balls to wear that same battle armor to pick up some milk? Weak. It’s not what you wear it’s how you wear it. I guarantee when I go to a football game in full chainmail, still coated in the blood of the werewolf I just tore in two with my bare hands, nobody’s wondering what the eff I’m doing there. They’re just glad to know that there’s a man left who doesn’t run away at the first sight of a vampire (see here for vampire-slaying instructions), and the women are all trying to figure out how to get that armor off my body and onto the floor next to their bed.

If you still feel the need to play some stupid online game after slaughtering a cobrabear, feel free – you’ve earned it. Don’t keep being a little bitch-baby, though, and shoot your jollies off into a wad of toilet paper while you think about what badass things you’re going to say to the next elven princess who strolls across your computer screen. That’s just sad, and I’m disappointed that I even had to tell you. See you next week.