How To: Decorate a Christmas Tree

Cliff here. As soon as people stop stuffing themselves with turkey on Thanksgiving, what do they do? They race out and get them a plastic tree, decorate it with lights, and plop it up in their living room. Some men don’t have Christmas trees. It’s a fact of life. Those same men either have no girlfriends or live with two or more other men. Christmas trees are a giant pain, and if three male roommates decide to erect a tree, that tree should stay up year-round. If you decorate for holidays, and change your decor based on the season, you are a woman. Period. I have a Christmas tree that stays up all year, and is decorated with all the ornaments I’ve handcrafted throughout the year. By ‘ornaments’, I mean “the skulls of my enemies”, an by ‘handcrafted’, I mean “torn from their twitching bodies”.

If you have a girl in your life who has decided that a tree is in order for the holidays, consider this your chance to express your true manitude. Decorating anything is inherently feminine, but the birth of the most famous man in history and the celebration of his man-life is cause enough for me to throw some shinies on a plant. The first step is picking a tree that expresses your manness. Those plastic, pre-lit pieces of crap aren’t going to cut it here. You’ll need an axe and a few days in the freezing wild to find the perfect tree.

Your tree should be an enormous, thorny wildebeest of a tree. It should be bigger, tougher, and more intimidating than your neighbors’. This is the chance that your pansy ass has needed for years to show the neighborhood who’s running the show. Don’t hide your tree indoors – if you picked the proper tree, it shouldn’t fit inside anyway. Chop that monster down with the axe you brought, or if you prefer the soothing hum of power tools, it is also acceptable to utilize a chainsaw, which coinidentally is what I use to butter my bread.

Carry the tree out on your back, punching any hippies who get in your way. They may try to stop you, because they believe that every life is sacred, or some such crap. Every life is sacred until I want to hang some $#!t on it and stand it up in my front yard as a statement/warning to the neighbors, so suck on THAT you wiener-loving homo. Don’t be subtle about your placement of the tree. Consider dragging that leafy behemoth through the yards of your more rebellious neighbors. After today, they will submit to your authority. Slam it firmly (hehe…slam it firmly…) into your front yard, where it can tower over the insignificant dwellings of your rivals/neighbors. Now that you have your tree upright, it’s time for the decoration.

You have a few options when it comes to Christmas tree decor. On one hand the standard beer can ornaments, while humorous, don’t necessarily strike fear and awe in the hearts of your unruly neighbors. If you want to recycle, you can always hang old tires from the limbs. You can burn them after the holiday season. I generally choose to go with the fishing method. I like to maintain a nice selection of bears and other predatory animals to wrestle when I get bored, and the holiday season is the perfect time to lure them out of hibernation, all while scaring tiny rabbit turds from the cornholes of your stupid fellow citizens.

It’s called the fishing method, because it’s similar to fishing, dumbass. Run down a herd of deer, and hang them alive from the limbs of your tree. It’s easiest if you hook them right around the spine, so they can kick and generally cause a ruckus. If no deer are available, any mid-sized or large animals should work. Finally, climb the monstrous tree in your yard, and perch yourself right on top, where the star or angel generally rests on the trees of the tame people. Suddenly, your tree is completely decorated with an ornament on top, plus you have a good view of the neighborhood from your perch and can keep an eye out for any of the bear prey that you might lure to your fishing tree. Functional AND stylish, your tree will be the talk of the town.

Don’t forget to throw a few presents at the base of your tree. Not presents for anyone else, but things you’ve bought/earned for yourself. A broadsword, a few single moms, and possibly an offroad vehicle of some sort make wonderful presents, because they’re so badass. Have a great Christmas, or don’t. I honestly don’t give a fat dump. See you next week.