How To: Cook a Gourmet Meal

Cliff here. A lot of men will tell you they don’t cook. I don’t either. What I DO is use food as yet another weapon in my lady-slaying arsenal. Some women want to be waited on hand and foot, and lavished with nice things as a condition of providing a man with the “privilege” of their company. Those women are bitches. Making dinner for a woman is a relatively simple affair, and 93% of the time will lead to hot, sticky lovemaking later in the evening.

A girl thinks that because the man in their life has taken the time to warm up some meats and cheeses, they must be totally in love. That’s crap. The entire reason for making food for your target, is first and formost to provide fuel to your body for the hours or days of hot tang punching that will inevitably happen. Making enough food for the woman is just a little thing you can do to evaporate her panties more quickly. Speaking of evaporating panties, if they’re “edible”, they don’t count as a meal. Plus those things taste horrible.

The first thing to remember when cooking a meal for your significant vaheena is that it’s really a meal for you. Don’t go choosing some unpronounceable dish from the indiginous people of the Tuscan region of whatever dumbass country has a Tuscan region. Fancy = gay. Write that down somewhere and read it every morning. Men are simple, women don’t want your hairless ass to cook them something complicated that they would consider ordering from an expensive restaurant when having brunch with their BFFs. I recommend steak. If you don’t like steak, stop reading at the end of this paragraph. Before you go, though, grab a handful of your pubic hair and yank. I think you’re a douche.

Take your steak and walk outside. Slam it on the grill (make sure she’s watching), then light the coals with either the magnified rays from the sun, friction from two sticks, the heat from your own body, or a lighter. If you have a propane grill, you’re better than a man with no grill at all. Use what you have, but don’t expect me to be impressed by your stove outside. Women cook on a stove. Warm your steak for a minute over the glowing coals, then take it off before the delicious blood gets roasted into a watery, brown meat sauce. Take a second to cook the lady a separate steak the same size as yours. What she doesn’t eat can be a post-coital snack.

If you like your potatoes mashed, grab a few and squeeze until they ooze like toothpaste. If you want to have to chew your potatoes (you SHOULD…) then have the woman you banged last night chop up some potatoes before she leaves in the morning. Be honest about the intent behind the request, and make sure she knows she’s invited back later to experience you again. If she’d like to stay and fornicate with you and your new lady, more’s the better. She can stay at your house until dinner if she cleans it and cooks the dinner so you don’t have to. Plus she can’t speak all day, and she had better at least provide a hummer or two in the meantime to make the day go by.

When the girl’s steak is done, have her go get it off the grill and bring it in. You should already be eating. If she insists on using a plate and utensils, give her your pocketknife and let her have at it. Otherwise, finish your food and commence sexmaking. It’s easier if she’s done eating, but not necessary. Nobody minds a little steak sauce in their hair, or at least noone I’ve ever met. Take her to Pumptown, and don’t you dare ask for directions. Have fun with your new tool for seducing women. Abuse it well, and I’ll see you next week.

Category: Featured, How To: Your Guide to Being a Man