How To: Conduct A Symphony

Cliff here. A lot of you pricks out there don’t understand the true beauty of a wonderful symphony. The TRUE beauty of a snooty affair like a symphony is that the women at these events are all gorgeous, stupid, and on the arm of some old rich guy who thought his college-aged date would be amazed at the opulent surroundings and other classy posers. There are no easier marks than at a classical concert, and unless you’re taking credit for the whole stupid affair, and dominating the night with your awesomeness, you will get lost in the old money shuffle.

You could learn to play an instrument like a violin really well, or just learn the best way to shout orders at the pimply, lonely, band geeks in the orchestra who had plenty of time to excel at music in the hours between caring for their 30 cats and complaining to their stuffed animals about their lack of a social life. If you want to keep your testicles attached, learn to be a conductor. Another bonus is that every now and then, some sex-crazed social outcast with low self esteem actually has a pretty slamming body. Use that to your advantage, but never forget that even though she may be able to do ninja tricks in the bedroom, the fact that she’s into classical music makes her a pretentious, lonely, homebody. Enjoy your time playing her sexaphone, then get away.

Unless you’re a world-renowned flutist (someone who’s wasted their life on a stupid instrument like the flute), the only way to get tail at a posh affair like an orchestral performance is to illuminate the Viagra-popping turds as a bunch of pompous jerkoffs in the light of your manitude. Every woman wants the guy in charge. I have gotten rock-star action from a night of symphony, simply because the women were given the opportunity to ogle my chiseled glutes for the entire performance. If you want to mix up your game, follow these simple steps to make yourself into a first class orchestra conductor.

1. Remove the band (or orchestra if you want to be a rooster about it) from the view of the crowd. If the idiots want to worship someone’s abilities for a night, make yours the only abilities they see. I recommend placing yourself alone on stage, facing the ensemble who should have their instruments set up in the first few rows of the theater.

2. Dress for success. This is not a barbeque at your uncle’s house, so put on a shirt with few or no stains and consider wearing pants. Remember that this is just a suggestion, it’s more important for you to be comfortable and confident. If you want to get up there and rock the birthday suit, then by all means, go ahead. Just make sure the temperature in the building is tolerable. You can’t have anyone thinking that you’re only packing 12 inches of trouser meat. If you’re shrunken down to a foot of beef, it’s too cold in there.

3. Fake it. Women do this all the time with lesser males, so you should at least be able to pretend that you know the intricacies of tempo, pitch and all that other crap. You can either go with the impassioned music aficionado, or act as if everyone in the room is beneath you. The first option makes women think you care about the same stupid crap that gets their engines running, as you bounce all over the stage, waving your arms around like the music has possessed your body. The second option makes you seem unattainable, so when you decide to grab a woman or three from the attentive listeners, they’re amazed that you even noticed them and will try all the more to satisfy a legend like yourself. The approach is strictly preference, so have fun with it.

No matter what you do in this setting, you really can’t screw this up. Scoop up a few hotties and let them throw themselves at you to keep you interested. After all, the senior citizen you just snatched them away from hasn’t performed his best in the sack for the past three decades. If you can’t beat his performance, you have no business doing sex with anyone but yourself. See you next week.