How To: Celebrate National Man Day

Cliff here. Today is National Man Day 2010. All you smooth-scroted douches can stop reading right now.

Today is the start of a new year. Most of you effers probably mark your calendars with January 1 as the start of your calendar year, but all that has changed. Today is officially Manuary 1, and it’s the only month in the man calendar. Yesterday, Manuary 365, 2009 was a great day of celebration, continuing into today.

On this wonderful day, the start of the Year of the Man 2010, you can celebrate in multiple ways. I quit my job yesterday; until tomorrow partying is my profession. I’ll return to my former bull wrangling job tomorrow, but today I am focused on a joyous day of manitude.

To celebrate National Man Day, use these storied traditions as a starting point, and add badass and manly additions as your testicles see fit.

First, and possibly most importantly. Read every single “How To Be a Man” entry on straitpinkie.com. This is your guide on how to act every day of your life as a male, and should give you some interesting ideas for your day’s celebration.

Bang hot broads. This should be self-evident, but in case you couldn’t figure this part out, 90% of being a man is lust. Find a hottie, seduce her with your pecs, then take her back to her place for a marathon sex session. She will likely experience multiple orgasms (in your case, she’ll likely FAKE multiple orgasms, but it’s all the same to you…), then call her mother while crying tears of joy. That’s your chance to sneak out and find your next target.

Stay drunk. Another no-brainer, but it needs to be said. Maintain a booze buzz throughout the day and make sure everyone around you does the same. It’ll make the women more likely to sleep with your ugly ass, and it’ll make the guys more interesting.

Set a vehicle on fire. Preferably someone else’s.

Slap a hobo. Do this at half strength, since you don’t want to kill him, just let him know that it’s time he got a job…starting tomorrow.

Fly. No planes allowed. Use your manpowers of levitation and zip around in the atmosphere. This is more fun if you drop breakable objects from enormous heights and/or save the world from some terrible danger.

Take over a third-world country using only your bear hands. “Bear” is not a misspelling. If you don’t have bear hands, grow some. Make your own dick-tatorship and rule with an iron fist. Possible targets include Somalia and Canada.

Fix a lesbian. See How To: Fix a Lesbian for pointers.

Eat a zebra. Why not? I wonder if zebra meat is as delicious as it sounds. Alternating stripes of muscle and fat would be pretty kickass.

Ride a panther. Nobody’s going to eff with your transportation when you park that sonofabeech at the movie theater, and get some sweet oral pleasure from a random girl while watching the A-Team.

Enjoy Manuary 1, 2010, and don’t forget it’s not necessarily WHAT you do as HOW you do it. Man-style. See you next Manday.