How To: Calm a Crying Child

Cliff here. I know a lot of you pricks out there think I don’t have a sensitive side, and you’d be right. Every side I have is bristly with hair and as hard as sheet metal. Still, I picked today’s Manday topic with one thing in mind: banging chicks. For you pedophile douchebags, forget about how that sounds to you right now. I’ll kick your ass in just a second. I’m talking about single moms.

One thing women are generally good at is protecting their growing uterine parasites, a.k.a. children. Don’t believe me? Try getting into the panties of any mother whose kid is throwing a fit on the floor. Women seem to need to be surrounded with calm to get in the mood for sex. I’d rather get my nut off while getting shot at and hiding from the cops at a Chris Knight concert, but to each his/her own, I guess. The one takeaway you’ll need from this bit of manvice is in order to drive your train into the mommy tunnel and maybe crash into her caboose, you had better make damn sure you can handle a kid or two.

For example, less than a week ago, I was stomping my Red Wings through a strip club when I was fairly well eye-raped by Jasmine. Twirling around the pole, while Joe Elliot from Def Leppard begged me to pour some sugar on her, she first caught my eye, and she was everything I was looking for that night. Hot, flexible, and emotionally stunted? Check, check, and check. After her stage time was up, she dragged me back to the private area for a little bit of soldier choking, and made me promise that I would rail her when she got off work. 10-4, little lady. I met her at her apartment an hour later, and I had no sooner grabbed her hips for her first walk in the clouds, when what did my man ears hear but the annoying sounds of a child’s angry cry.

My little dancing girl wouldn’t have fallen out of the mood faster if you’d have lit her on fire. Believe me, I knew a girl who wanted to try just that. Let’s just call that night a fail, and wrap up this damn story. I knew I would have to walk at least another 10-12 ft. outside to get another hottie who was willing to do what Jasmine was offering, so instead of going through all that trouble, I fixed the kid and railed mommy until the sun came up and so did she. Here’s how to quiet a crying (i.e. cock-blocking) kid:

1. Establish dominance. How many times do I have to tell you fairies that this is always step 1? It shouldn’t even be an issue, because your mere presence should make them sit up and take notice. Lift some weights, you sissy nutsack.
2. Make eye contact. Mean it. If the child is too young to understand speech, everything will be communicated in a glance. Seize the kid’s vocal chords with your gaze and will them into submission. If the kid starts coughing/wheezing, and/or stops breathing, you missed the vocal chords. Refocus your man gaze before you choke the kid out.
3. Repeat these words: “Shut. Up.” Enunciate. If your testicles are half as big as one of mine, the first two steps should bring the child into silence. If not, you’ll need to actually speak. Your voice should drown out their wailing and possibly shatter some nearby glass, just to emphasize your point.

If you are any sort of man at all, Steps 1 and 2 should handle the situation. I usually don’t even need to enter the same room, since my physical presence can actually nullify sound. It’s a pretty cool trick I might show you kittens sometime. It involves a very complicated flex maneuver performed by the left pectoral muscle of my soul. Even my ethereal self is tough enough to destroy sound waves. Think about it. In any case, use the guide to get back to pounding your broad ASAP. See you next week.