How To: Be a Snake Charmer

Cliff here. What you first need to know is that snakes are awesome. They’re the whores of the animal world. Anything that can unhinge its jaw to swallow something larger than the diameter of its head is okay in my book. I’ve known a few girls with this gift, and they used it to their advantage. The most important thing you need to know is that your snake should be no smaller than the trouser mamba you’re packing. I own a 26 foot Himalayan Cliff Viper (three inches larger than my trouser mamba), chosen for it’s awesome name, and because it’s the world’s largest and most dangerous venomous snake. Still unknown to science, it’s one badass snake. I feed it three full-grown cows per week.

As my Indian brothers can attest, snake charming is not generally an easy task. Still, with a little testicle power, anything is possible or even easy. The sex of your snake will determine your method, and males are much easier to influence than females if you just man up a little. The male snake needs to know who’s in charge. Challenge him to a staring contest, and then slap him in the mouth after you win. Don’t accept his feeble attempts to inject you with venom. Consider biting him back, but remember that a dead snake is no good for you to use to pick up ladies. Gently crush his spirit with your overwhelming dominance, and build him back up to a ferocious beast. Female snakes are a whole different matter. For some reason, they refuse to be dominated, unlike the human females. You need a more comprehensive approach to destroying their resistance to your manitude. Start slow, but you’ll basically be walking through your own system for lashing your own hose-beast. Listen up.

1. Strangle. The girl snakes seem to like this, even to the point of choking them out. This step lets them know that you almost have their best interests in mind. I say “almost”, because your best interests are using animal dominance to pull some hot human tail. The snakes’ best interest is not getting killed, and choking down a giant rodent. Somewhat similar.
2. Yank. This is where the training starts. Don’t be gentle, you should mildly injure your snake at least once per day (suck on that, PETA!). If your snake attempts to fight back, tie them in a literal knot. She should know better than to struggle, it’s only going to make it worse.
3. Suffocate. Stick her in a smelly, warm, moist environment. The clearance should be tight enough that your snake feels claustrophobic (basically a tight hole). When your snake passes out from a lack of breathable air, wake her with a thunderous smack to her backside. Continue inserting the snake into the hole and withdrawing until she finally throws up and falls into a sound slumber. Training complete.

If you forget the three steps laid out here, feel free to wing it. Whatever your process might be, give it a shot. As long as the culmination is the same, the animal should give you no more trouble. After taming your serpent, throw that reptilian beastie up on your shoulders and head to the bar for a night out. Ladies will be enthralled with your mastery of such a giant snake, and you will get laid. Let me repeat that: You WILL get laid. That is reason enough for you to learn this simple yet effective party trick. See you next week.