How To: Be a Hostage Negotiator

Cliff here. I consider today’s Manday article a public service announcement. I think this is a situation most if not all, men will find themselves in at some point in your otherwise insignificant lives. The key to hostage negotiation can be summed up in four little words: What Would Cliff Do (WWCD)?

Scenario: You’re swaggering down the street, eyes fixed on the shapely curves of the 20-yr old Latina ahead of you. The only thing on your mind is whether you should eat your freshly killed meal raw or warm it on an open fire, when an alarm sounds at the bank across the street. If you’ve properly developed your mind to ask WWCD, a hostage situation never develops. I would immediately run into the bank, break an arm or two and subdue the aggressors (using lethal force if necessary or momentarily entertaining). You, on the other hand, have most likely never been shot, and would react inappropriately.

Sidenote. If, and hopefully when you take a bullet, do not flinch or otherwise react. It sends the wrong message both to the shooter, and to the bullet you should have trapped by now in your pectoral muscles. Do not cry, since crying is an admission of defeat.  Muscles don’t cry and they don’t lose. Using force of will and/or heat vision, stop any insignificant blood loss. Let just enough blood escape that everyone knows you were shot and saved the day anyway. Blood looks good on the evening news.

Since you’re most likely not yet mentally tough enough to have asked WWCD, you will let the situation in the aforementioned bank reach a level where it is dangerous to the potentially hot bank teller for you to rush in the front door. It’s time to be a hostage negotiator. Call the bank branch in question and ask to speak to the Douchebag In Charge (DIC).

You may get disconnected or hung up on, but don’t be discouraged. You’re doing this for fame and amusement, so have some fun with it. When you make contact with the DIC, ask what he wants from you. When he tells you, laugh and hang up. You want to establish that you don’t care what he thinks and make him feel inferior. Nothing says “You’re an insignificant assbag” like ridiculing laughter.

Call back, and sarcastically apologize for the previous phonecall. Make a joke about his mother under your breath. Even better, tell him what you’re going to do to his mother tonight, with or without her consent, in explicit terms. There’s a good chance the DIC has never met anyone with danglers the size of softballs, so here’s your chance to show him what a man is capable of.

Keeping WWCD firmly in mind, strangle him through the phone. Don’t kill him, you want to be able to make jokes at his expense, when this is all over in a few minutes. When you hear him pass out, hang up and call back. Continue “negotiating” with the other douches until you get bored or they’re all unconscious. Enter the bank through a newly broken window, and announce that they all owe their lives to your negotiating skills.

The men may pay off their debt or work as your henchmen. The women will be categorized based on age and hotness, then given the chance to pleasure you physically, act as your maid, or both. Be tough but fair.

That’s What Cliff Would Do.