How To: Cure a Drug Addiction

Cliff here. I don’t understand why people watch Intervention.  It’s a show about a bunch of douchey losers who are strung out on one thing or another and their lives are falling apart around them.  I don’t honestly give a flying dingleberry about how they can’t seem to stop turning tricks to pay for their $700/day coke or heroin habit.  Here’s a thought:  Take a moment before you sneak into a park bathroom to moisten another man’s lightning rod, and think to yourself, “I like girls”.

My father was a smart man.  I could have just said he was a man, and it would have meant the same thing.  Ladies are good for making babies, curing herpes, and any other fun stuff you want to do with them.  The best advice he ever gave me was this: Mansider the consequences.  Take a second and apply your man-mind to what could happen if I do this, then decide if you give a $#!t whether you get consequenced.  If you don’t care that you could end up putting your Slim Jim in another man, then by all means, become a male whore.  You don’t even have to wait to get hooked on some sort of pharmaceutical crutch before you do so.  It’s still gay, though.

If you really have a problem with drugs, I don’t even care.  What pisses me off is when you a-holes lay around the damn house, doing nothing and yelling for your mom to bring you another peanut butter sandwich.  The problem isn’t that you’re a drug addict, it’s that you’re a lazy rooster who doesn’t earn enough money to support your habit.  Learn to fix a car.  People will pay you to do some damn work, try making some money (outside of a park bathroom) so you can snort, shoot, or swallow your drug of choice.  Nobody cares about the working professional who gets loaded and can still do their job, it’s you worthless trashholes who can’t keep a job because you’re a raging dick that everyone has a problem with.  Just effing quit that.

Anyway, if you’re reading this because you’re a douche addict, here’s how you quit being a douche addict:

1. Get a job. A real one.  Grow the eff up and quit expecting your family, friends, or anyone else to support your stupid ass.
2. Get a hobby. Not drugs.  Drugs aren’t a hobby, they’re an excuse.  Quit being such a bitch.
3. Burn the drugs out. Run a fever.  Part of the reason I don’t ever take drugs or go to the doctor is because my body generates the heat of a small sun.  I’m a man, dammit.  If your puny little whine-body can’t reach a higher temperature than the low hundreds, reach down and check if both test tickles are still there.  Probably not, grow some more.
4. Cut it out. That’s it.  Stop being a douche addict.  No one likes you, and we’re all sick of your $#!t.  Stop.

With all that being said, I actually don’t care if you quit or not.  Men don’t just give up on something.  If you like to do it, then tell everyone else to piss off, and do it.  Rehab probably sucks, and if you need a bunch of your family and friends to sit you down in a room and intervene, then you’re a stupid bitch.  Nobody likes a quitter.  Your family just wants you to know they’re sick of supporting your illiterate ass.  Be a man, you pussy.  See you next week.