How I do it: Write…that is

Three men walk into a bar… I’ll get back to that joke when I remember the punch line. Not that it’s funny, don’t get your hopes up.

Moving on swiftly, I would love to blame my life off the internet for my inconsistence in blogging but I can’t. I have not been that busy, it’s just that whenever I fired up my word processor to process something, nothing happened! It’s like being constipated; you walk into the bathroom, sit down, (with the toilet seat up or down, however you like it, I am not judging) and wait for things to happen. You start going through the paper, (for those of us who take newspapers with us wherever we go. Again, not judging) you get to the sports section and that’s when it hits you, nothing is happening. That’s how last week was like for me. No, not the constipation part, eish!

It was a wacky week but I did have an interesting encounter with a friend. He was curious, probably still is since I didn’t quench his curious glands. He wanted to know how I do it, his words not mine. “How do you do it?” To me, that is like a trick question. You have to be precise with what you’re asking, how do I do what? I’m sure you know where I’m going with this, y’all are smart. He, however noticed my facial expression and sensed what I was about to say. He augmented his question, “how do you do it, the writing I mean? How do you come up with all that stuff?” That is not exactly what he said, he may have ended that question with a word when loosely translated could mean ‘cow droppings’! I have nasty friends.

Just in case you’re thinking of asking such a question, don’t. I don’t have the answer, by the time you get to that last part, “…how do you come up with all that cow droppings stuff?” I will have breezed off to a place where unicorns exist and poking fun at each other, you know with the horn thing. *sigh* that unicorn joke would have been funnier if I didn’t have to explain it. Seriously though, I can’t answer that… Where would I even begin? Most of my ideas come to me when I’m taking a shower or when peeing or both at the same time. Wait, I think I have just explained how I do it (the writing that is), I mean there I was taking a shower and/or peeing when this great idea struck that I should tell you what I do while taking a shower and/or peeing. Wait, what?

Hold up, who else thinks that this article now sounds like something the neighborhood drunkard would scream when he’s immensely inebriated? My hand is up. Frankly, I didn’t have the middle part of this post figured out, so to fill it up I’m gonna tell you how I do it. (The writing that is, I want to be clear on that)

I’m a decently funny guy, right? I make you smile every once in a blue moon, yes? Like on a scale of 0 to 10 I’m a strong 0.5, yeah? If there was a writing contest I would probably be ranked with a negative digit, yes? Ok, so here is how I do it: (the writing that is) despite what you may have heard (especially if you heard it from me), I don’t do pot, yes really. I don’t! LOL, the only way I can say that with a straight face is because there are no faces here and it just so happens that I’m writing, not talking.

I may not explain how exactly I do it but I can tell you what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to adjust my style so that one day I’ll be in a position to use the word ‘digress’ in one of my posts. For some unclear reason, I just can’t twist anything I write to accommodate that word anywhere and maybe it is for the best; I see that word in almost every blog I visit. It’s like the call girl of blogs. What’s up with that? Did I miss a memo?

Oh and my douche of a friend, he really wanted to know how I do it, so much so that I thought he was talking about something else other than my writing habits. My answer was, “three men walk into a bar and from then on, what they do is none of our business and so is how I do it, (the writing that is) it’s none of your business…” That doesn’t come off as rude, does it?

PS: If you figure out the point of the words above before I do, please let me know…

Category: Humor