Eight signs Jim Calhoun is too old to coach

Jim Calhoun is the head coach of the Connecticut Huskies, a position he’s held since 1986. In other words, he’s been coaching the same team since before I was born. His tenure as a Husky is literally older than time itself in my young eyes. Calhoun is a tired and gray 70 years old, but refuses to hang up the clipboard. As if his extreme age wasn’t already apparent, he broke his hip earlier today while bicycling. I couldn’t come up with a more hilariously stereotypical piece of news if I had tried. So in honor of Calhoun’s broken hip and his general lack of fans in Kentucky, I present the top eight reasons Calhoun is too damned old to coach.

8. He broke his hip

This one speaks for itself. Breaking a hip is the classic sign of being as old as basketball itself, and Calhoun actually managed to fall into that stereotype.

7. He is 490 years old in dog years

And since he’s a Husky, that’s actually relevant. He might only be 490 years old, but he doesn’t look a day under 500. Just look at those jowls.

6. He is twice as old as Butler head coach Brad Stevens

That’s right, Jim Calhoun is currently twice as old as young-gun Brad Stevens, who he beat in the 2011 NCAA Championship. Someone needs to check (I’m too lazy), because Calhoun might actually be Stevens’ grandfather. He already has six other grandchildren.

5. He was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame seven years ago

Calhoun is so old, he’s is almost a decade past of his Hall of Fame induction. He may actually forget that he is in the Hall of Fame before he quits coaching at UConn.

4. He’s been out for illness or injury five times in nine years

He broke his hip today riding a bicycle, and he’s broken ribs from a bicycle accident in the past. Apparently he’s getting less coordinated as he gets old. But Calhoun has faced a number of serious illnesses throughout the years too. He’s tough, and his illnesses are no laughing matter, but they probably are an indication that he’s too old to be on the floor. At least he’s a better walker than a bicyclist.

3. Ray Allen is already an old man, and Calhoun coached him 16 years ago

Ray Allen can’t string together a solid run in the NBA to save his life, his time in the spotlight is well past, and his recent contract is barely worth mentioning. As old as Ray Allen is, he’s not even close to Calhoun.

2. UConn’s had seven acting presidents in his tenure

You know you’ve been at a position too long when the very university that employs you has gone through seven different acting presidents during your time. Better yet, the United States has had 13 Presidents since Calhoun was born.

1. He has more sanctions on his program than years left alive

Had to end on this note. Calhoun’s list of sanctions from the NCAA seems to be growing constantly, and it might have finally reached a tipping point. Hopefully Calhoun doesn’t reach his own tipping point and take a fall before the end of next season.

If he does, there’s a damn good chance he’s going to break another hip.

Tags: college basketball, rivalry mockery, uconn

Category: Featured, Humor