A Corporate Holiday Tangent

As Valentine’s Day approaches, men everywhere as starting to groan at the notion of trying to find their significant other something that is both unique and creative. For many guys, the only appealing part of V-day is seeing a female co-worker break down in tears because no one got her a dozen roses.

What makes today’s holidays and special occasions so annoying is that they have been scarred by consumerism. Although there’s nothing wrong with some capitalism, men everywhere are fed up with commercials telling chicks that unless their man drops a couple Benjamins, he probably doesn’t love you. Here are a few companies who are staying afloat by participating in the shams known as corporate holidays:

Hallmark
Birthdays, holidays, any day that ends in ‘Y.’ Hallmark has a $4 piece of cardboard for every occasion a human can go through. Your buddy just woke up from a six year coma to find out his lady is now seeing his brother? Try the sympathy cards in aisle six. Why use your own thoughts and words when some suit sitting behind a desk making six figures can do it for you?

Helzburg diamonds
These vandals in suits make it seem as if true love did not exist before sparkly necklaces or rings. While there’s no debating that more carats equals more nookie, not all of us own the Trump Towers. Instead of being seen as a token of affection, the diamond industry has created a monster where females compare their rings as if they were trophies.

Russell Stover
Let’s buy each other a heart-shaped box of chocolates so we can grow fat together. If you had any inkling of leaving the relationship, there’s no sense in doing it after receiving that milk chocolate bunny. Single girls don’t really dig a 250-pound dude with a chocolate mustache.

Florists
An entertaining experiment would be to study the price of flowers on February 14th, as opposed to February 16th. I doubt there’s much difference in the growing process if you purchase the roses two days apart, so why the disparity in cost? Think of it as a legal shakedown, but good luck filing price discrimination charges. Even though their locked away in the green house, those green thumbs aren’t stupid. Gotta love the free market…