The NBA announced that its Board of Governors approved a new look for its uniforms that will start in the 2013-2014 season that will allow teams to add advertising patches on jerseys. Here is what products should be advertising with which teams.
Team: Atlanta Hawks
Potential Sponsor: PETA
Why? For as much damage as Michael Vick did for dog lovers in Georgia, NBA fans in Atlanta could kill actual birds with all the bricks thrown up by their team.
Team: Boston Celtics
Potential Sponsor: Denny’s
Why? As old as this team is, any place with an early bird special is a must.
Team: Brooklyn Nets
Potential Sponsor: Auto-Tune
Why? If Auto-Tune can help 90% of the artists on Jay-Z’s record label, it has to help his basketball team.
Team: Charlotte Bobcats
Potential Sponsor: Caesars Palace
Why? Michael Jordan piecing together this bad of a team has to be a bet right?
Team: Chicago Bulls
Potential Sponsor: Saturday Night Live
Why? Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Bulls!
Team: Cleveland Cavaliers
Potential Sponsor: Kleenex
Why? Seriously, LeBron’s been gone for two years. Get over it, because after all you can’t say Cleveland without saying “Leave”.
Team: Dallas Mavericks
Potential Sponsor: History Channel
Why? Where else would you watch a sinking ship led by an old German dude?
Team: Denver Nuggets
Potential Sponsor: The Clinic – Medicinal Marijuana Center
Why? Chris “The Birdman” Andersen AND JaVale McGee on the same team? George Karl needs it more for that than his cancer.
Team: Golden State Warriors
Potential Sponsor: Volkwagen Van’s
Why? To make the transition of moving to San Francisco that much easier.
Team: Houston Rockets
Potential Sponsor: Air China
Why? Because no one in this country wants to see them play.
Team: Indiana Pacers
Potential Sponsor: Coppertone Sunscreen
Why? This team is so white Larry Bird left because of the glare.
Team: Los Angeles Clippers
Potential Sponsor: Kia Motors
Why? It’s the only guaranteed way to see a Clipper on TV after April
Team: Los Angeles Lakers
Potential Sponsor: Millionaire Matchmaker on Bravo TV
Why? Nothing like giving middle aged millionaires a glimmer of hope before they realize they only want you for your money.
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
Potential Sponsor: FedEx
Why? Biggest supporter of the Grizz, also will be able to save them money when they move to Kansas City or Seattle.
Team: Miami Heat
Potential Sponsor: Justin Bieber’s next album
Why? The only way the Heat could be hated more
Team: Milwaukee Bucks
Potential Sponsor: Milwaukee’s Best Beer
Why? Once the Packers season is over, they need something to numb the pain of watching this team play. Also, the Bucks should just consider changing the team name to the Beasts for synergy’s sake.
Team: New Orleans Hornets
Potential Sponsor: Billy The Exterminator on A&E
Why? Hornets are deadly, especially around cajuns.
Team: New York Knicks
Potential Sponsor: A Spike Lee Joint
Why? Seriously, make another movie already, I see you courtside more than on the big screen.
Team: Oklahoma City Thunder
Potential Sponsor: The guy who made McLovin’s fake ID
Why? Can they really be that good AND that young?
Team: Orlando Magic
Potential Sponsor: Hearros Earplugs
Why? Not having to hear anymore of Dwight Howards crap
Team: Philadelphia 76ers
Potential Sponsor: Geno’s Cheesesteaks
Why? It’s the only thing from Philly that’s any good
Team: Phoenix Suns
Potential Sponsor: Nike
Why? Suns jerseys feature three colors that don’t rhyme. Silver, Purple, and Orange, with Nike’s influence, they could increase epilepsy rates tenfold.
Team: Portland Trailblazers
Potential Sponsor: Oregon Trail – The Game
Why? When they lose LaMarcus Aldridge to an injury, they will wish they had died of dysentery
Team: Sacramento Kings
Potential Sponsor: The Bodyguard – 20th Anniversary Edition
Why? Only thing that can save Jimmer “The Mormon Microwave” Fredette from the CRAY.
Team: San Antonio Spurs
Potential Sponsor: Miracle Whip
Why? What says bland better than that?!
Team: Toronto Raptors
Potential Sponsor: Prozac
Why? Landry Fields Contract
Team: Utah Jazz
Potential Sponsor: Clorox Bleach
Why? NOTHING IS WHITER THAN YOUR FANS
Team: Washington Wizards
Potential Sponsor: National Rifle Association
Why? Change the name back to the Bullets already, or fully embrace the Wizards name and just sign Harry Potter already