I love me some turkey. If forced to choose only one meat to live on for the rest of my unexplainable life, it would likely be turkey. For many reasons, one being its nutritional value which would likely give me a few extra years as opposed to eating red meat everyday and having a coronary.

I just don’t understand why Turkey thinks it can double as any meat it wants. You are turkey, succulent and delicious with your awesome tryptophans and extremely nutritious amounts of protein. You are not a cow, a pig, or any other beast that you want to be. Embrace who you are, be Turkey, just not a jive one.

In light of this enigma I find myself pondering upon, here is the Pinkie’s Top Seven list of things Turkey thinks it is, other than Turkey.

But first, the actual definition of a Turkey: A turkey is either of two living species of large birds in the genus Meleagris. One species, Meleagris gallopavo, commonly known as the Wild Turkey, is native to the forests of North America. The other species, Meleagris ocellata, known as the Ocellated Turkey, is native to the forests of the Yucatán Peninsula.

Also if you ever need a clever clownage for a group of morans that are hecklin’ you to no end, know that the name given to a group of turkeys is a “rafter”.

Now on to the list:

7. Turkey Bacon – Anything with bacon in it has to be delicious, but don’t go trying to steal Pig Strips’ glory. Beans of Even Stevens fame wouldn’t be too happy with you…

6. Turkey Burger – The burger is a confusing beast to begin with. It’s called a Hamburger but is made from a cow. I think because it was invented in the city Hamburger or something like that. Regardless, burgers are made from cows. Turkey, you are not a cow.

5. Turkey Dogs – Part of the greatness that is a Hot Dog is that it is made up of God knows what and is still delicious. There is no need to waste your greatness pretending to be the throwaways of the throwaways.

4. Turkey Pepperoni/Turkey Salami/Turkey Ham/Turkey Sausage – You’re a turkey, not a pig. You can’t just throw every meat made from a pig behind your name and claim it as your own. Plus with all the swine flu outrage, do you really want to be associated with such a filthy beast?

3. Turkey Steaks -If you need me to tell you a steak is a steak and it ain’t made out of Turkey you probably are on Cliff’s list of ‘to be punched in the face’. When I order a T-Bone, the “T” damn sure ain’t for turkey.

2. Turkey Rhubarb – Come on, a friggin plant that is a known laxative? Why would you even want to be one of these??

1. Turkey Soda – You think I’m kidding? Check it out HERE.