Theo had feelings. He hated them. He wasn’t cut out to join the family logging business but he sure did have the body for it; a body chiseled and crafted for the art of seduction. His abs were so crisp and muscular, he could easily wash his clothes on them. He loved rubbing the moistened cloth up and down his hairless stomach until the dirt and grime simply gave up and slid off in sheer amazement. His dime-like nips were like devilish, sensual eyes peering into the lustful dreams of others, sending them on an immoral roller coaster of ecstasy. His arms, named frankincense and myrrh, were so strong sweat was afraid of them.

These ‘gifts from kings’ displayed Theo’s raw animalistic supremacy. His powerful forearms made sweet love with the strength in hands, causing the grip he laid upon his axe to be virgin tight, yet so lovingly tender.

Theo tried to combat his feelings by chopping and slaying things. This was unsuccessful. His body continued to rage with hormones like a 13-year old girl’s slumber party. His Irish Spring soap turned to body wash and he began using conditioner for his elegantly disheveled hair. He started using deodorant and washing his clothes in a machine, with fabric softener. GAY. The modern times had grasped his soul, turning his wrist limp with emotion. V-neck shirts and leather strapped watches had begun to rule his life. GAYER.

After several years of frolicking through flower ridden meadows with questionably straight friends and using his sling-shot to shoot candy off of parade floats, he realized he needed to change.

Once again Theo became manly. Climbing trees. Tooth necklaces. Raw meat. He raped his feelings and never called them back! No more slumber party hormones. No more shirts. No more feelings!