I had a hard childhood growing up on the Tibetan mountainside. Being a Kangaroo, I was constantly being made fun of for having round O’s and the Asian culture was very unforgiving. I suppose this is where my aggression has stemmed. Well, this coupled with the harsh divorce from my lardo ex-wife Susan, whose daily caloric intake equaled the weight of an African elephant impregnated with twins. Her stupidity was unmatched and had I been a whale, I would have beached myself to end the misery of being chained to a stupid fatty. Luckily she died in a wolf pack incident. I could have saved her. I didn’t. As for the photo above, I pen this letter of apology:

Dear Cindy,

I apologize for the screaming right hook that knocked you into oblivion and out of your Keds. I didn’t expect you to cave like a little girl when my ‘paws of fury’ were introduced to your pathetic, frail jawbone. I guess I was unaware of the weakness that the female body possesses when compared to the more superior male species.

You must have a gaping need for broken bones and the taste of your own blood you illiterate idiot. I suppose you just didn’t see the “NO TRESPASSING” sign. Look here Cindy, I have enough problems without a-holes like you trying to sneak over and take pictures of such a majestic beast like myself. It’s not easy living a stealthy, strength filled life. I reek of handsome and you’re jealous, I get it. However, I will not hesitate to beat the Tampax out of you. Trust me: there will be nothing ‘gentle’ about you ‘gliding’ back to the E.R.

Cindy, I hope you have learned from my mistakes. Next time you may not be so lucky. Enjoy eating from a straw for the next six months. May this serve a warning to you and all of your trespassing “phagtographer” friends.

Sincerely,

Boomer