Hoofs knew he was destined for greatness. As a young foal, his mother Jenny told him almost daily that he was born for something more than manual labor. His motivation stemmed from this encouragement, and when his mother went to the Great Dog Food Factory in the sky, Hoofs knew he must honor her memory. He invented the Mexican donkey show.

Using his superior skills, both as a sexual partner and his marketing genius, he lured drunken college men into seedy bars in Cancun. Using tequila and Mexican women whose fathers didn’t hug them enough (or maybe hugged them too much), he became richer than any donkey in history.

Still, he found himself lonely and unfulfilled. From his extensive list of contacts he called up Billy Jack, his friend and confidante. Billy was able to leverage his position as a marketing manager at Budweiser to get Hoofs his big break: a Super Bowl commercial. One of the greatest Super Bowl commercials of all time, 2004 brought more money and fame to Hoofs. His story was not finished, though.

Hoofs had always dreamed of doing something to help the human race. It didn’t make much sense, because his race was primarily used by the humans as laborers. Hoofs had made up his mind, however, and he was as stubborn as an ass.

Always in peak physical condition, he began training for space travel. Unable to get a position at NASA, Hoofs began looking to countries with less stringent standards. Finally settling on Iran where the leaders are bat $#!t crazy and will do anything to get on TV, Hoofs began his ass-tronaut training. His big break finally came in the fall of 2008.

Using slightly less sophisticated technology than the Americans, Iran had nonetheless found a way to send the first donkey into space. On a launching station with two thousand pounds of dynamite as propellant, final checks are made by Iran’s greatest engineers. Minutes before launch Hoofs displays a serene confidence, thinking of his mother and how proud she would be at this historic day. Safe travels, Hoofs!