Carlos Antonio founded the CSTDC (Center for Sexually Transmitted Disease Control) and was a highly respected man in the community. His life was going just as planned until one day he himself contracted a new STD strain from a barbarous sexual escapade in the Philippines, rightly named ‘Gonoherpesyphilis’.

The days of exploring his sinfully motivated concupiscence had ended. This aforementioned contraction ended his career with the CSTDC, and nearly cost him his life.

Carlos sold all of his worldy possessions and was forced to the streets where he became a dealer… of baseball cards. His fanaticism and outlandish knowledge of the game was beyond normal human comprehension.

But his life once again began to spiral downward when he un-expectantly became addicted to the freakishly stale gum within the packs of his precious baseball cards. He started prostituting for gum and even wielded a cardboard sign that read ‘I’ll put it in for fun, but I want some bubble gum’.

After breaking the short-lived habit, Carlos’ savviness had finally worked to his advantage and he had saved enough dough to remove himself from the streets.

Several years later after working various jobs, including but not limited to Pez dispenser sales, Carlos landed a gig as a small time reporter for Actual Life Magazine, which follows odd stories of real life people.

The photograph above is from Carlos’ first story. It pictures the winners of the 2007 Cops and Robbers: Tournament of Champions, Jesse “The Stealth” Jessles and his 87 year old grandmother Mildred Kocstarvd (aka: Filthy Wrinkles-as given to her by her traumatized, shaken competitors).

*Here is the interview with “The Stealth” and “Filthy Wrinkles” after their victory-(The interview was originally to be shown in a video, but due to the nearly incoherent yelling and incomprehensive sentence structure of Jesse and his grandmothers jumbled ramblings and inability to answer questions, we thought it best to capture the interview on paper).

Carl: “So Jesse, why do they call you “The Stealth”?

The Stealth: “WELL CARL I THINK ITS BECAUSE OF MY SMOOTH GLIDING STEATHINESS AND MY UNCANNY PERCEPTION OF THE HUMAN RACE AS A WHOLE AND MY FINGERLESS GLOVES KEEP ME PROTECTED FROM HARM WITHOUT LIMITING THE MOBILITY OF THE FINGERS THEMSELVES”

Carl: “Um, Alright then. Why did you choose your grandmother as a partner?”

The Stealth: “WELL CARL AGAIN I THINK ITS BECAUSE OF MY SMOOTH GLIDING STEALTHINESS AND MY UNCANNY PERCEPTION OF THE HUMAN RACE AS A WHOLE I DON’T KNOW IF YOU’VE HEARD BUT I’M QUITE STEALTHY BEING STEALTHY IS REALLY KEY IN ANSWERING THESE QUESTIONS AS WELL AS THE PROTECTION AND MOBILITY OF MY FINGERS THIS ALSO PLAYS A ROLE”

Carl: “Um, okay. Can you show me some of your stealth-like moves”
(Carl is at this time shaken by Mildred, who is standing next to Jesse, winking and pointing her index finger and thumb at him shouting POW, POW!)

The Stealth: “THAT WOULD BE POINTLESS BECAUSE IM A STEALTH AND YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE THEM THAT’S HOW STEALTHY I AM”

Carl: “Wow! Let’s move on to grandma. Filthy Wrinkles, how did you get that name?”

Filthy Wrinkles: “BEcausE hE’s STEAlthy!! djasjlkuteuineaF*%$”

Carl: “This concludes our interview for the day.”