Cliff here. I hate pregnancy scares. I especially hate when more than one of the members of my harem calls me up in the same month to tell me their “moon flow” is late. The one thing I hate more than that is losing. I don’t do it, but just the thought of not winning makes me mad. I killed a guy once because I thought he beat me at foosball. Turns out I was looking at the wrong score. I don’t regret it, though. Learning experience.

Disagreements are a part of life. If you don’t know that by now, you’re an idiot. Even if you know this, you might still be an idiot. Here’s how you can tell:  look at your car. If it’s a Mitsubishi Eclipse, PT Cruiser, or any color other than black, white, silver, or red-you’re an idiot. Or a girl.

Losing an argument isn’t something men do well. If you’re a real man, it’s not something you do at all. I got to thinking about this at AutoZone the other day, where I was just hanging out, man style. A skinny twerp was arguing with his behemoth girl about whether they should get the full synthetic oil change for his Mitsubishi Eclipse. Strike one. He ended up giving in to the woman who shouted over him the entire conversation. Here’s what he should have done.

1.) Use logic. Women have no defense against this, as scientists have proven that their logical brain is overridden by estrogen, making actual thought an impossibility. The only thing a woman’s melon is good for is remembering birthdays and telephone numbers. Use that skill to your advantage.

2.) Stay calm. Eventually her shrill voice will begin to annoy even her. She’ll stop talking. It may take a while, but it WILL happen. If it doesn’t, you still need to keep a clear head and make sure there are no witnesses…read into that all you want.

3.) If #2 isn’t your style, yell louder than her. You have man lungs, give ‘em some exercise. If your ancestors hunted saber-toothed tigers, you have no need to be scared of the banshee you let sleep in your bed. If you’re not sleeping with her, walk away. She’s not worth the trouble.

4.) Flex. Remind her who is the dominant sex. Do so with your muscles. Animals make themselves appear larger to avoid being eaten by predators. Same situation, naggier predator.

5.) Stare down. This tactic is used by men the world over. Except the French. They would have already given up. Peer into her eyes like you’re trying to burn her corneas with your heat vision. If you already have heat vision, use it. Women hate that.

No matter what, NEVER let her win. It’s a blow to men everywhere, and it’s going to make it harder for you in the future. Worst of all, it’s going to complicate the situation for me when I steal her from you. I’m gonna have her, it’s only a matter of time, just don’t go empowering her with nonsense while I let you get nookie. Unless she’s nasty, in which case you can keep her. Just don’t come crying to me when you wake up and realize you’re sleeping next to Sasquatch. See you next Manday.