Cliff here. Way back when I started writing these damn articles, I thought I could help you sissies learn what real men have always known. Sometimes a fight is unavoidable. There comes a time in every man’s life when you can’t ignore a problem. This generally happens when drinking.

Bars are possibly the single greatest place to meet women, watch a game, unwind after work, and break another man’s teeth. If all goes right, you can accomplish all these before dinner. And by dinner I mean your third beer. I’m tired of hearing fluffy hippies spout crap like, “Violence is never the answer”, and “Make love, not war”. Sometimes, violence is the only manly answer, and most times I find a way to make love AND war. That’s masculine. If you don’t believe me, bring your lady down to the bar and say something ‘witty’ about my flannel. I’ll give you one warning. Run your mouth again, and you’ll see two things happen simultaneously: you’ll be paralyzed, and your girl will be impregnated. I’ll probably take my time with her, though. She likes when I love her strong.

My point, fairy boy, is that a real man doesn’t have to talk it out. If someone picks a fight with you, it’s because you’re not physically intimidating enough. Your arms are more suited to hugging than brawling. If your sheer physical presence isn’t enough to give another man reason to respect you, you better be crazy enough to handle yourself. No man wants to hang out with a friend who is a liability. A man should intrinsically know this, I shouldn’t have to tell your candy ass. Keep your head up, and if another guy meets your eye, he’s either ones of those queers I keep hearing about or he’s sizing you up as a pussy. Both cases could end in a fight.

Don’t drop your gaze, stare right back. If you back down now, you may as well have stayed home eating hummus and watching reruns of some crap on TLC. Walk towards the guy, holding his eye until he either looks away or you’re directly in front of him. Wait for him to speak. If he asks for your number, he gets an open hand slap across his mouth. If he insults you or gets mouthy, warn him once. He’ll either buy you a beer to apologize, or you can take his wallet after you break his nose. If he keeps staringwithout looking away, all while remaining silent, he’s a man. Extend your arm, shake his hand and walk away on equal ground with probably the only other real man in the bar. You’re now friends for life.

If it comes to blows, here’s the key to fighting: hit him harder and more often than he hits you. This is where your hand-eye coordination from years of sports (or in your case, video games, you nancy prick) comes into the picture. Do to the other guy what the “mean boys” did to you in high school gym class, minus the wedgies. Stop thinking so hard about HOW to fight and focus on the instincts you’ve repressed since your mommy stopped breast-feeding you. Survival.

Animal don’t read instructions on this crap, and neither should you. Be an animal, and try to pick a tough one. Wolves are tough, lions are tough, squirrels are not tough. They’re gay, and they get eaten by the stronger animals. Some of them get run over by cars, but that just proves that they’re stupid and weak. No man swerves to miss a squirrel, but you would damn sure think twice before trying to run over a bear and that, my little squirrel, is why I’ll be going home with your girlfriend. That stupid promise ring you gave her means nothing once she watches me put my size 13 steel toe in your ass.

Lesson over, Sally. Let’s recap. Beer CAN be dinner, men don’t back down, and stop being such a little squirrel-bitch. Get outside and play a man-sport instead of planting your pasty self in front of a computer and playing World of Warcraft for 10 hours. See you next week.