Cliff here. This Manday art tickle should be one of the most unnecessary of all. Men instinctively know that sports are good. If this isn’t apparent to your sorry ass, go downstairs and ask your mom why you don’t have any friends. She’s going to tell you that you’re fine the way you are, and that you’re misunderstood, etc., etc. She’s wrong. You’re a freak, and it’s time you turned off World of Warcraft and went outside. While we’re at it, move out of your parents’ house. Your acne is gone, and now that you’re 33, it’s time you got your own life.

With that out of the way we can finally get to why sports are great. They are competitive, there’s a ball, and someone has to win. Cheerleading is not a sport. Period. Stop telling me how hard it is, and how it’s “the most dangerous sport”. There’s no ball(s), hence, it is not a sport. I bet it’s a fun hobby, though. I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than throw women around while they wear tiny little outfits. Wait, I do that every night of the week, but the good news is that those outfits always come off. Always.

From baseball to football to golf and even soccer, the reason ESPN exists is to showcase athletes’ awesomeness to the world. It’s a way for guys to experience the thrill of competition without actually competing. It’s also an excuse to get drunk on a Monday. Thank you MNF.

No matter how many different sports you’re interested in, I want to emphasize this very carefully. You’re not athletic. Still, the fact that you recognize this and support your favorite team leads me to give you the benefit of the doubt on your sexuality. Just to make sure you’re checking out your favorite sports, man-style, follow these few simple pointers.

1. Do not make any appetizers. If you’re married, she should already have made some. If you’re not married, buy some chips. They’re the least fairyish of all the snacks that just ran through your mind (I’m looking at you, Fruit Tray).
2. If you’re going to a buddy’s house, bring at least a man-sized helping of beer (30+ cans). If you’re having buddies to your house to watch the game, hide your beer and tell them to bring their own, then drink as much of theirs as possible. Don’t let any man into your house if he brings longneck bottles. Gay.
3. You must wear some sort of team logo on your clothes. If you don’t care about the teams playing, represent your own team. If you don’t have a team, you probably don’t have calluses on your hands. You need to get a job where you don’t kiss your boss’ ass all day, and stop using so much lotion. Find a woman you giant bag of pixie dust.
4. Don’t be a bitch. This is a catch-all category that includes common man-sense, which you likely don’t have. Being a bitch entails any of the following: crying, hugging, backing down from a fight, “agreeing to disagree”, pandering, whimpering, cooking, smelling nice, and rooster sucking. All things women do. When men do these, they turn gay. Avoid.

Now that football season is in full swing, watch every game. Pay for the extra channels where you can brag to your buddies that you literally watched every play from every game. Question the existence of their penises for not watching every single play. Get in a fight and win. Just shut the eff up and watch some sports. That’s what Cliff would do. See you next week.