Cliff here. If you’re a man and have never been on a farm, you deserve the scrawny body you’re stuck in and your lonely, sexless nights. Men have always been responsible for taking care of animals and growing food from the ground. Read the Bible. God gave Adam enormous muscles, a penis, and power over the birds, beasts, and land. If the Lord intended for men to have that trifecta, who are you to ignore his plan?

I’m not talking about the cute little pot of Lima beans growing in your windowsill. It’s time you threw that out. I doubt your Kindergarten teacher expected you to keep it this long, and it’s amazingly gay that you did. I own a farm because I’m a man. I keep a variety of beasts that I use to perform various farm-related activities. My horse who is appropriately named ‘Your Mother’, can plow 100 acres a day without breaking a sweat. She generally slows me down, though. It’s faster if I put in a little effort and pull the plow myself. I finish long before Your Mother, and then leave her to clean up after the plowing. (that’s a sex joke, idiot)

With that being said, animals are designed for two things-to grill and eat with a cold beer, and also to make everyday labor less difficult- not necessarily in that order. If you get bored after a long day of manwork and need some entertainment after manhandling your old lady, try a little bit of cow tipping. For a real man, the actual effort needed to tip a cow is minimal. Still, for maximum enjoyment, try the proper technique to show that bovine who’s boss. Another quick and helpful tip is to wear steel toed boots. If you don’t have an everyday pair that you wear around the house, check one more time and make sure you’re not a silly bitch girl. Get some steel toes, princess. There’s nothing worse or more painful than having a fat cow stepping on your feet. I danced with your sister, trust me on this one. Worst date ever.

After you lace up your manboots, follow these fun steps to make your cow tippin’ just a bit more enjoyable.

1. Wear all black and a mask. It will be night, and the last thing you’ll want to do is run back home to change if you decide to rob some houses or fight crime. Whichever side of the law you want to play on, a sweet costume and mask is essential.

2. Bring a friend and incredible amounts of alcohol. Cow tipping is like sex. It’s is not something to be done alone, and you’ll have more fun if your drunk. On a related note, it’s time you stopped drinking wine coolers. You’re disappointing your father.

3. Pick out a fat one. Pretend you’ve closed down the bar and exhausted all your other possibilities. That heifer grazing by herself is gonna put up less of a fight than the athletic animal surrounded by a bunch of young bulls. Just like in real life, the bigger the conquest, the funnier the story.

4. Plant your feet. If you lose your footing, you’re going to end up flat on your face in animal dung, just like that one night in Tijuana, except slightly less humiliating and with fewer STDs.

5. Push. If you were wondering what the next step would be, you’re slightly retarded. Stop snacking on paint chips and think for a change. If your cow goes down, laugh and repeat. If you didn’t manage to put your animal on the ground, you are a sad excuse for a man. I hope your friends are not so limp wristed, and they ridicule you constantly.

Have fun with the livestock, just don’t forget to make the cows feel inferior. They are animals, after all. You’re doing yourself a favor by keeping their self esteem in check. Remember that they’re only slightly less intelligent than you, so maybe spray a little urine on them when they’re down. If they ever develop opposing thumbs, their lack of self worth is the only thing keeping them from stealing your job at McDonalds. See you next week.