Cliff here. I’ve seen some things in my life that have made me question most of what I know to be true. Just the other day, I saw a 500 lb. beast woman WITH KIDS. That means that someone saw her cruising along on her Rascal scooter, and decided he was going to bang her. I can already hear the outcry from all you tinkerbells out there who wanna say that big girls need loving too, but I’m telling you flat out if she’s too fat to walk, you have no business trying to let your snake free in her garden. That’s unnatural. Almost as unnatural as vampires.

With all the crazy junk I’ve witnessed, I have no problem believing that vampires exist. Vampires live long past the normal human lifespan, require blood from humans and look like the dead. I can probably name a few. Cher, Mick Jagger, and the recently re-deceased Michael Jackson come immediately to mind. Jacko’s doctor knew EXACTLY what he was doing, and it’s for the good of all humanity.

One common misconception about the undead is that they hate garlic. That’s simply not true. As a matter of fact, they generally reek of the stuff. A strong garlic smell, antiseptic, and the scent of decay cling to vampires like your sister clings to the hope that the gobs of makeup on her face make her look 20 again.

If this Yump can strait up slay vampires night after night, you can bet your smooth girlie ass that you should be able to put one to rest with your beastly man hands.

Another thing you’ve gotta know about slaying vampires is that they’re freakishly strong. If you don’t believe me, go to a nursing home, and chances are good that you’ll see at least one. Try and take his or her book of crossword puzzles or daily serving of Jell-O. If you’ve found one, it will be nearly impossible to tear the video poker game from their seemingly frail, bloodless hands. Avoid matches of strength, since vampires are the only thing on earth stronger than a real man in his prime.

To properly slay a vampire, you are going to need to shove a stake strait through it’s heart, or take it’s head off. A real man doesn’t bother with the stake. The first vampire I killed, I used a sharp wooden peg. The three dozen I destroyed last month were hands-only. Get a solid grip under the chin, make sure to watch out for the fangs, twist and pull. It takes about 6,000 lbs of force (about 2.7 metric tons for you European homos) to yank off a vampire’s head. Any true man should be able to do it with one hand.

The last thing you’re left with is a quickly decomposing body. Sometimes they simply collapse into ash, but often you’re stuck with a stinky mess. Do not eat it. This can pass the vampire virus on to your own body. If you choose to allow this, you will be granted some pretty great skills-exceptional vision, the ability to seduce a woman with a glance, and incredible strength and speed are part of the package. An unending thirst for blood and horrible intestinal gas are two of the downsides. A fully grown, true human male possesses all of these except for the bloodlust. If and when you are stricken with the desire for blood, be a man and order your steak rare. If the inside is warm, express your displeasure with your pimply-faced waiter by staring into his eyes until he passes out. Go home and cook your own on your grill like a man should.

Good luck with the undead. Don’t go biting off more than you can handle until you’re comfortable killing at least two vampires at a time-one with each hand. And if a vampiress tries to seduce you, for man’s sake LET HER. It’s worth it, and you can always slay her after you’ve basked in the afterglow and made her cook you breakfast. See you next week.