Cliff here. All my friends and most of my enemies constantly ask me incredulously, “Where did you get such powerful mojo?” Now I’m not exactly sure what this ‘mojo’ stuff is-I’m not British, after all, but I DO know what they mean. As a man and a damn fine looking creation, women seek me out to fulfill their fantasies and validate their feelings or whatever.

Here’s the How To you’ve all been waiting for, now sit back, keep both hands on your mouse and get ready to learn the secret that is woman.

The first thing you need to understand Pimples (that’s you), is that women want a man to be in charge. If your lady is steering your relationship, you’re dating a bull-dyke. No offense to the lesbians out there, but there’s a reason these overbearing women are attracted to you-you’re a woman with a conveniently attached sex toy. Don’t get me wrong, if you wanna play out a little submission fantasy in the bedroom, maybe do a little slap and tickle, that’s between you and your well-manicured pubic hair (pansy). I just want to point out that no razor has ever touched my manparts, and none ever will. I’m basically Sampson, and there’s no way I’m letting you steal my manstrength.

The next and possibly most important thing you have to understand about women is that confidence is sexy. Its not sexy to me, creampuff, the ladies respect it, though. If you’re gonna walk up to a young hottie and ASK to buy her a drink, you’ve already lost. Plus, you end up making it easier for a real man to swoop in and be her big mistake for the night. YOU need to be that mistake. See what she’s drinking, bring one over with a fresh drink for yourself, and set it down in front of her. Say these words exactly: “This is yours. Drink it and stop staring at my package. You’ll see it’s glory soon enough.” That girlie will be speechless, and you’ll be so badass you’ll grow another testicle. Both are good things.

Finally, stop talking so damn much. Let her prattle on and on about her new hairstyle or how hot you are. At this point, it’s in the bag, the only thing your conversation skills are going to do is ruin it for you. Chances are, you’ll say something stupid and end up at Denny’s at 3am with your best friend, Steve. You’re not that interesting, and you don’t want her knowing too many details about your life. That’s just gonna lead to a relationship, and I think we all know how those turn out…if you must respond to her endless prattling, consider your words like golf strokes. More=bad, and you want to shoot under par. Grunts and grimaces should carry you through to the end of the round.

Listen to my advice, you goofy buttpirate. Chances are good that you’re gonna spend the night alone, regretful and covered in Jergens, but if you heed my words your chances increase dramatically.

Just make sure the girl you separate from the herd isn’t a bull-dyke.
If her hands are more calloused than yours, it’s a dead give away. See you next week.