Cliff here.  Last week on Manday, I let all you suckers know that I would be giving each and every one of you chumps a lesson on manhood every single Manday.  Click here to read the preview and then below learn how to absolutely manhandle your buddy’s wedding.  Who get’s married anymore?

I know you’ve been there. Your friend is getting married (sucker), and he wants you to come. You’re going because there’s free booze at the reception, and a pretty good chance you can get with his sister that you’ve had your eye on since she turned 18. If you’re a real man, you skip the ceremony altogether, and get your pre-party on at the bar across the street, but you gotta walk before you run, sissy.

If you feel like you have to make it to the actual wedding, there’s a few tricks most men already know.

First of all, don’t even think about shaving. Girls shave before weddings. They want to be nice and smooth so the random guy they take home (you, if you don’t throw up) can leave them itchy and rashy from the friction burns your hair leaves. Trust me on this one. They want to run their fingers through your man hair. You make good time on the open road, sure, but the ladies are going to want to take their time. Remember the foreplay makes your two minute tryst seem less pathetic. It’s still pathetic, but they won’t even know until you sneak out of their hotel room once they either fall asleep or go to the bathroom to “clean up”.

Bring a cell phone. They have games, and if you went ahead and threw some money down on a phone that’s worth a damn, you can surf the web for porn or sports scores as well. Even though you might want to hear the pinball score racking up as you dominate the game, turn the sound off. That’s a sure fire way to get all potential tail pulled before you even start hitting all over the ladies.

Sit away from everyone else, preferably in the front. I know traditionally these seats are saved for the parents of the bride and groom, but you need to be away from everyone else and on display. If some douche asks you to move, break his arm, nice and clean. You want the first thing those bridesmaids see as they stumble drunkenly down the aisle to be your unsmiling, unshaven man face. Don’t talk to them or look at them, unless you’re perusing their bodies to see which one is least likely to have scars. Or nipple hair. Plus your self-imposed exile in the front rows allows you to lean forward and let some excess gas escape without killing the family next to you. Worst case scenario, one thunders out and you blame it on the father of the bride. Everyone expects him to try to ruin the wedding anyway.

Last and maybe most importantly, bring large cash bills with you. As a man, you should have no less than $300 in your wallet at all times. Tip with large bills, and I don’t mean your bartender. When at the bar ordering another free pitcher of that Bud Light crap the girls are drinking, get out your wallet and go for a tip to the bartender, then pull out a Benjamin, and apologize that you don’t have anything smaller. Lie and promise to tip next time. The sister of the bride will know she finally met the man that will make her parents less ashamed of her tattoos and piercings, and probably let you go up to her room for a little slap and tickle.

Follow my advice, you bare-chested fairies, and I promise you’ll at least end up with a make-out session and some heavy petting. That’s more action than you’ve seen since your fat girlfriend in high school, anyway.