Cliff here. All this talk about a new flu from a different animal every year is wearing on my nerves. Everyone seems all uptight about viruses and our complete inability to destroy or come up with a vaccine for them. That’s some flat out horse manure. I cured 5 different strains of the flu virus back in the 80’s and just used the same cure to beat the herpes virus.

For starters, she looked like a nice, church-going girl. I had no idea she pretty much allowed anyone or anything to penetrate her fuzzy temple. I guess it should have tipped me off when I met her hanging around outside of a church, smoking Marlboro Reds, and handing out flyers for her services. Oh well. Probably wasn’t thinking much about the long-term consequences. Turns out I was trying to get laid.

We went back to her place, and things starting happening right away. By “her place”, I mean the alley around the back, and by “things” I mean filthy farm animal sex. I knew it was time to leave when she started crying, calling me daddy and asking for a ring. I’ll tolerate two of those three for a little while, but the unholy trifecta had me backing away from her faster than RuPaul running away from normalcy.

Long story short, I went home and celebrated getting booty by cracking open some beers and nailing some hot broad. Sure enough, about 5 days later, I noticed some creepy weird things creeping up on my man bits. Did I cry? No. Seek medical attention? HA! You obviously haven’t mastered the art of manness. To cure herpes, here’s what you have to do.

Step one: Kill the She-Devil who infected you. Herpes is like the virus that causes vampirism. You have to beat it at the source. I recommend burning the body when you’re done, both to prevent further spread of the virus, and because fire makes everything better. Don’t believe me? Try starting a blaze in your trashcan at work. Not only is it a cheery alternative to fluorescent lighting, you’ll also get a free day off.

Step two: Now that your herpes virus has been deactivated, it’s time to purge it from your system. Purchase two large steaks. One you will grill to delicious rare to medium-rare perfection, and the other will be placed on the offending sores, regardless of whether they are on your genitals or mouth. If they’re somewhere else on your body, read a book about sex. You’re doing it wrong. The red meat will draw the virus out of the sores, and restore your body to fighting shape.

Step three: This is the most enjoyable part of the cure. Bang it out. Find yourself a few hefty ladies. You’ll probably need at least three, so plan ahead. You need to clear out the ‘ol pipe works, so estimate their internal volumes and fill ‘em up. You can also use tiny hot chicks here, but I don’t recommend it. They can generally hold less, so you’ll have to stockpile them so you don’t run out mid-purge, and you’re reducing the number of hotties available for general mansumption later on. Don’t be greedy.

I hope this little guide has helped, good luck killing your viral infections. The method is easily convertible in case of swine flu, bird flu, or even computer viruses. Just make sure you don’t kiss the ladies on the mouth. Don’t want them getting the wrong idea. See you next week.