Cliff here. You fairies have been riding my coattails long enough, it’s time for you to start pulling some of your own weight. We’re going out, and I’ll let you get a free, real-life lesson in manness. Normally, I’d just take my time banging every single girl at the bar, but today I’m feeling generous. Next time you go out with your friends, you’ll have all the knowledge necessary to be a competent wingman. If you do it right, your buddy owes you a ton of beers, and you will have made a friend for life.

Picking up your friend’s trash is an art. I have no firsthand knowledge of how to be the guy who distracts the other ladies, but from what I’ve seen here’s a few key pointers for you prancing poonhounds.

Most importantly, pick out the girl/mother/ugly behemoth bitch-monster most likely to foul up your buddies’ chance to take home the hot 21st birthday girl, who also happens to be eye-screwing your boy. The fact that she literally swallowed her longneck beer bottle in an attempt to impress the man-crowd surrounding her vaheena is all the more reason to make sure her “friends” (cock blockers) are too preoccupied to notice your friend slipping her out to his Geo Metro for a little parking lot nookie. You’ll get to hear the story later, and if you’ve picked the right target group, you might even get a chance to mold your ’shape’ into her impressionable young body. Think modeling clay, but with more chance of catching chlamydia.

First and foremost, be funny. If you can’t be funny, you’re going to be an utter failure in life anyway. You should try eating a bullet. That’d make me laugh. Keep the fat chicks’ eyes on your hilarious stand-up routine while your buddy tries to get his pointer finger somewhere that smells like a wet dog. They should make a cologne out of that stuff.

If you really can’t be distractingly humorous, try the sugar daddy approach. Buy the ugly broad(s) some drinks. The one with a mustache is probably drinking White Zinfandel to look like she’s classy so send one her way. The chick wearing overalls and flannel is probably a man-hating lesbian. Send her a shot of whiskey, and pray she doesn’t beat your sissy ass. If you don’t have any money, put it on your friends’ tab. He owes you for taking care of his dyke infestation anyway. On second thought, you should always try to put it on his tab, whether you’re helping him out or not. He probably still owes you from the last bet you two made on who can unsnap a bra faster. Just for reference, my record is 0.005 seconds. Using only my mind. Beat that, homos.

When all else fails, and only if your buddy has the target’s full attention, try the anger method. Since you’re probably not funny, and you and your group rolled into the bar with $17 to split, remember that you can always pick a fight with the she-hags. Bring up their unibrow, or ask how many kids she’s pushed out of her used up body. Mention her stretchmarks. That’ll not only get her undivided attention, you’ll likely attract some other females to the hubbub you’ve created. Play it cool with the new chicks while continuing to insult the women intent on denying your friend some much needed alone time with the harlot of the hour. It’s not foolproof, but it’s sometimes necessary.

Now that you’ve got the basics down, I might let you come out with me, if for no other reason than to give me an opportunity to laugh at your ridiculous attempts to make women notice you. When I’ve worn out my women for the night, I may kick one or two your way. Your loyalty will probably be repaid, if not, it’s because you don’t deserve it since you’re a giant douche. See you next week.