In honor of National Man Day, the Pinkie is pleased to bring you our newest line of articles, “How To:”

Where Have All the Men Gone?

It’s 2009, and we live in a culture of women. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the ladies, I just don’t want to be one. I’m tired of seeing “men” walking around with no body hair, plucked, shaved and coiffed.

I’m tired of body washes for men, exfoliating skin scrubs for men, and men owning cats. These things are unnatural.  I’m tired of guys watching One Tree Hill and not getting ridiculed by their buddies, and I’m sick to death of men “talking it out”. Punch him already, you tool. At least push him hard enough to make him look like an ass.

Our contempt for the sissifying of men is the basis for this newest addition to the Pinkie. If you find yourself with a twig and dangleberries and any of the above situations apply to you, read on. Your need to be liked has made you what we guys like to call, “a bitch”. The only cure is more cowbell-and putting these “How To” lessons into practice. Here’s Cliff with our new weekly feature, “How To:”. Enjoy.

-Dirk

How To:
Be a Man

Cliff here. You may remember me from Splain It fame. I’m a man. There’s a good chance you envy my manness. Go on and drink it in. I’m here to give you girly boys tips on how to be a man. You can find my writings every Manday here on the Pinkie. For you little boys out there, Manday is the day right after Sunday. Learn it.

I’ll fill you every week on how to do the things a man should be able to do. I’m painting real broad (in this rare case, ‘broad’ does not refer to a woman) this week to cover some basics that you probably missed when being brought up by your aging mother. I never called her back. That’s Lesson One.

Here’s some pointers to hold you over until I destroy your manicures next week.

1. Eat red meat. It’s bloody and delicious. It makes you hairy. These are both things a man should want.
2. Break something. On purpose. Preferably something you own, or something owned by someone else.
3. Kick a cat. They deserve it. Run one over with your car if you get a chance.
4. Learn to drive. Women should try to do this too, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Stop using your turn signal every time you change lanes. That’s weak.
5. Sweat. A lot. No more antiperspirants for you. You need enough perspiration on your body that your boss stops by to ask if you need to go home. Look him right in the eye and say, “Only if you want a broken bone.” Mean it.

Use these five items to make this week less feminine. If you fail at any one of these, you will come back here next Manday and beg forgiveness. I might not punch you. Sissy.