Sell High

1). Carlos Beltran STL OF 28 R 13 HR 32 RBI 5 SB .295 AVG

Beltran’s power surge is completely out of line with the rest of his career. Add in his propensity to get injured and it all adds up to a player you’re better off sending away for a high reward.

2). Bryan LaHair CHC 1B 16 R 9 HR 20 RBI 1 SB .356 AVG

Odds are a 29 year old making his full season major league debut will not continue to hit at this rate. A regression to the mean or median is likely in LaHair’s near future…probably.

3). Rafael Furcal STL SS 25 R 2 HR 16 RBI 7 SB .370 AVG

Furcal should continue to produce solid numbers, but his average and runs should see a bit of a drop off. I’m not as concerned about injury possibilties because he actually entered this season healthy.

4). Melky Cabrera SF OF 21 R 2 HR 14 RBI 5 SB .338 AVG

Cabrera has been known for his prolonged hot streaks and prolonged slumps. Add in less then stellar support around him and it could lead him to seeing less and less good pitches to hit.

5). Carlos Ruiz PHI C 16 R 6 HR 23 RBI 0 SB .340 AVG

Nothing about Ruiz’s profile says he will keep up this pace. You can find similar catcher production on the free agency wire.

Buy Low

1). Albert Pujols STL 1B 10 R 1 HR 12 RBI .197 AVG

After a month long drought and producing numbers that would make Mario Mendoza blush, all signs point to Pujols turning it around and producing at his normal clip! Grab him now at half the price!

2). Ryan Zimmerman WAS 3B 13 R 1 HR 8 HR 2 SB .241 AVG

Zimmerman is on the verge of coming back off the DL, so it’s a perfect time to grab a top 5 3B. Great candidate to produce across the board for your team.

3). Ben Zobrist TB 2B/OF 21 R 6 HR 16 R 2 SB .218 AVG

Everything on the stat line for Zobrist has fallen into place except for his average. Zobrist will produce a 20/20 season and produce these stats at a premium position. Buy low before his owners realize what they actually have.

4). Eric Hosmer KC 1B 16 R 5 HR 17 RBI 1 SB .174 AVG

With how much Hosmer was crushing the ball, a start like this seems completely ridiculous. It’s not possible for this trend continue. With Hosmer’s power and his normal line drive numbers, expect him to start producing at a much higher rate.

5). Brian McCann ATL C 14 R 5 HR 1 SB .231 AVG

McCann went from being the league’s best offensive catcher to just plain “meh” the first few months this year. He’s only 27. He’s going to hit. Grab him because Piggy gonna start going to the trough on the constant.

Lucy is a former NFL Cheerleader and professional stage dancer. She currently enjoys a huge following as a dating advice columnist for a major newspaper syndicate and appears regularly on an assortment of TV Talk Shows.

The Professor is an expert in ancient tribal sexual rituals and communication. He will offer unique historical insights into the human condition as relates to the theory of modern day relationships.

Chad is a former semi pro athlete and now casting director for a Blockbuster Hollywood Motion Picture Studio. Chad is a self proclaimed expert on the art of the pickup and all matters related to women.

Bryan (32) from Puckish, New York asks:

“There is this new girl at the office that I would like to ask out, I don’t have an opening line or the confidence to go up and just start talking to her, Can you help?”

Lucy: She’s probably just as nervous as you are but here is what will sweep a woman off her feet. It might all come down to the originality of your first line. It should sound spontaneous. You have one chance to make a first impression. Something poetic or that points out an obvious attribute that she has. Try this: “I was just noticing your smile; it reminds me of the Mona Lisa.” This says that you are worldly, an art lover and observant.

Nigel: Ahh yes, the age old question of how to approach a female. Males of Ancient Samoan cultures always presented themselves on a first date as virile, young studley warriors able to defend women and father strong babies. To this end they presented their genitally for inspection and admiration on a first meeting. I hope this helps Bryan.

Chad: Well Bryan, the Professor and Lucy are both right, I find a little poetry as an opening line works wonders. Feel free to use this line. “Roses are red and pickles are green can I peak up your legs to see what’s inbetween?” If that works then drop your pants and show her your junk.

Charlie (30) from Santa Barbara, California asks:

“My girlfriend and I live in a very upscale, trendy town where most women are surgically enhanced. We often go to the beach and I can’t help but notice, actually drool over, all their hot looking beach bodies. My girlfriend is a small to average bust size, should I encourage her to get a boob job?”

Lucy: Charlie, what is it with you guys and boobs? Do you even know why women have breasts? It’s not so guys like you have something to keep you amused while we fake orgasms for you. They have much more maternal purposes. If you suggest implants to your girlfriend, I hope she does a Lorraine Bobbitt on you while you’re sleeping. Then you’ll be the one looking for an implant.

Nigel: Lucy scares me; I think I’ll just go along with her answer to be safe and not take any naps around her till she cools off.

Chad: Okay, so here’s the official word on where guys stand on breast implants. We don’t care if they are real or not, it’s all the same to us. We like all boobs; we like to look at them, we like to play with them and YES, we do like them big. However, it’s really about females feeling better about themselves and we guys should support all their efforts in this respect. It’s a win, win.

She showed talent from a very early age when she was crowned Norfolk County Champion 3 years running. She won the Under-21 title when she was just 15 years old. She also won the Midlands Championship, and significantly became Champion of Champions in 2001.

In 2005 she became The Golf Nurse for Golf Punk Magazine, contributing articles, advice, tips as well as modeling clothing. She was involved with all aspects of promotional work for the brand.”

Ok. Sophie Horn, Uh YUMP!!

“It was love at first sight…” Really? Do people actually see someone and feel love flow in their romantic veins? I never experience such frivolities with the girls I meet. That is probably because when I meet a girl, (hot or otherwise) I’m too busy trying to find out if she has a penis like the last one or maybe because I go for those with low self esteem. The kind when you approach them, they think you’re talking to the person behind them. When they realize they are on the receiving end of a seemingly romantic conversation they almost strip dance for you.

With me it’s boobs at first sight. I mean they are just there, what am I supposed to do when they are fighting for eye contact. It’s very rude to look the other way when boobs are looking right at you. Be courteous and return the favor. I find it very hard to go for the heart when boobs are blocking my path, you know, they’re like, “if you have to break this girls heart, you’ll have to go through me first!” Well, challenge accepted.

I think the reason I haven’t found love is because of what lies ahead. The love highway is full of bandits or what you would call unplanned knock ups, unwanted brats, marriage, matrimonial trouble, divorce and finally alimony. My subconscious in its auto pilot nature has been avoiding the love route and for that I’m grateful. I mean who wants to pay alimony? And what the hell is this alimony business? Isn’t that like paying a hooker you are not sleeping with? We’re no longer together; go find another host to suck on. Some women can be such pests! I don’t know about men and alimony but if you happen to cash a check every month from a woman, you need to fish your vagina from your purse. What’s wrong with you?

Way I see it, the phrase “it was love at first sight” means different things to different people. To some people (like me) it’s the boobs. I looked at the boobs and I loved them. I mean breasts don’t have character, motives or morals for me to decipher. I don’t need time to figure out what they are like unlike the lady who hosts them. You just look at them and either want to touch them or salute them from a mile off. Unlike the woman in which they reside in, they are not after my house, money, my favorite seat, the TV remote, my family, my car… No, they’re just there to be fondled. That’s why I’m for one night stands as opposed to commitment; I meet the boobs and their cousin from down under and that’s that.

The reason I’m not in a relationship is because I loathe the way most women use their boobs to get stuff from me. They show so much cleavage that it can no longer be called a cleavage; it’s just the boobs without nipples. The last girlfriend I had revealed so much cleavage that she could ask for anything and get it, “hey can I have your credit card, on second thought can I have your wallet?” “Yea, sure anything you want.”

And of men who say “it was love at first sight”, do you know how gay that sounds? I can’t say we would remain friends after such utterances. Don’t get me wrong though, I have nothing against gay people. If someone wants to mess with their sphincter muscles it’s their business. In fact the world should encourage gay people to walk out of their closets as early possible. I would tell you to love them but they might get mixed signals and decide to love you back and that might not end well especially on your end. Speaking of closets, a guy I know was in a closet for so long, he tried every costume in there so when he eventually came out he looked like a clown. His fashion sense is so advanced that he does not need a costume to attend a costume party!

I, however, am not dismissing this love thing. Who knows, maybe I have not met the one. There’s someone for everyone, right? For instance I could tell my ex wasn’t the one when she started seeing someone else or maybe I got it wrong, maybe she was meant for the both of us and I was not supposed to find out!

Unrelated: Have you ever been so high that you called your ex to tell her that you slept with her sister and her mother? No? Me neither, I swear!

Everyone needs some live music in their life. Here some of the top bands that are playing in the Kentuckiana area. The Pinkie highly recommends you check them out. #GetIt

05.03.12 Heckel and the Jives @ Benchwarmer’s 8pm-12am

05.04.12 Private Event

05.08.12 Heckel and the Jives @ Benchwarmer’s 7-10pm

05.11.12 Heckel and the Jives @ Hoops 8-11pm

05.12.12 Private Event

05.18.12 Dean Heckel @ Buckhead on the River 8-11pm

05.18.12 Tim Lickteig @ River City Winery 8-11pm

05.19.12 Dean Heckel @ Rocky’s on the River 8-11pm

05.22.12 Heckel and the Jives @ Benchwarmer’s 7-10pm

05.31.12 Heckel and the Jives @ Slugger Field (Thirsty Thurs.) 5pm