The Pinkie's Official “Splain It” Page
SPLAIN IT!! Raisins
By: Dirk | September 22nd, 2009 | Category: Splain It
Damnit Jake! I said bring me home some raisins. RAISINS!
SPLAIN IT!! He Looks Like His Mom
By: Dirk | September 16th, 2009 | Category: Splain It
Thank God he at least got my metabolism. That was undoubtedly the worst night of my life. Jack Daniels owes me my self-respect back. And my penis. I left it in her trailer. I was too ashamed to bring it home with me.
SPLAIN IT!! ‘Nana Split
By: Dirk | September 15th, 2009 | Category: Splain It
Betty ‘Nana’ Smith lived a very literal life, but somehow, I don’t think this is what little Johnny had in mind when he asked for a ‘nana split…
SPLAIN IT!! Mammal Love
By: Dirk | September 10th, 2009 | Category: Splain It
I know it hurts, baby. We would never work out. Remember the last time we tried to consummate our feelings? You sobbed yourself to sleep, and I lost a tooth-knocked out by your tail.
Don’t cry, you beautiful, streamlined ocean angel. I have to go, but you’ll always be in my fuzzy canine heart. I’m holding you back, your trainer has said the same thing. You could be bigger than Shamu! Not physically, I meant in popularity. That trick you do, where you leap from the water and somersault through a flaming hula hoop-that’s brilliant.
No dolphin in the world can do what you do. Except maybe Maximus. He’s pretty damn impressive, too. Butyouaresomuchbetter! Sorry, I don’t know why I brought him up. He’s ugly. That is one ugly bottlenose.
But you, babe-you’re beautiful. I’m sorry it hurts. It hurts me so damn bad too. One last kiss, and a wet nose rub. You know what I like. Goodbye. Forever.
SPLAIN IT!! Markets And Memories
By: Dirk | September 8th, 2009 | Category: Splain It
Old college roomies, Cecil and Jamar, hadn’t seen each other in years. They crossed paths one day at the market and decided to get together for some much needed ‘man’ time.
Their conversation began by filling each other in on the years they had been apart. Cecil began explicating his feathery past in which he struggled with a stifling seed addiction and a soiled affair with Trips, a local dairy cow that lost her leg in a ban saw incident while trying to make Cecil a bird house. A leg wasn’t all Trips lost, her life had soon followed and tears began to ripple down Cecil’s beak in remembrance.
Jamar slowly leaned over with a look of sorrow racing from his troubled eyes and sssslapped the squirrel-bitch tears from Cecil’s face. He proceeded to make fun of him, quite racistly, until Cecil came to his senses.
Sometime later they began laughing and reminiscing about the old college days of premature ejaculation and pregnancy scares.
Jamar: (laughing drunkily) Remember Cross-eyed Cristy with the curly hair from 301? I swear one of her eyes popped out of her face when you were railing her on the top bunk.
Cecil: -falls out of his chair in laughter-ROFL
Jamar: For real dude. There I was. All sleepin’ peaceful and shit and then I hear her musty breath muttering some demon language about you, her and a dog. I just kinda chuckled at first but she was a hefty girl and I thought y’all were gonna Tommy Boy my skinny ass on the bottom bunk.
Cecil: hahaha..LOL. (no conceivable words)
Jamar: Then all of a sudden I pull the sheets off my face-cuz I was stoned and dutch oven’d myself- I heard a pop and her eyeball was hanging there, staring at me, just swinging back and forth like a lonely testicle (more laughter).
Cecil: (wiping tears from his eyes) I bet she’s still itching from the army of crabs I gave her.
And that’s when it happened! Jamar spewed his newly sipped vodka-goat milk all over Cecil’s unsuspecting face in a final fit of laughter.
SPLAIN IT!! I’m Better Than You
By: Dirk | September 3rd, 2009 | Category: Splain It
Can you float? I think not. Still, look at my awesomeness. I’m a floating SOB. Turns out I’m pretty much way better than you. That guy worships me. Literally. I have my own cult, because I’m that badass. Do you have a cult? Hell no, you work at McDonalds and sob yourself to sleep every night.
See that chubby chick back there? She’s one my my slaves. Did you hear that? I said ONE of my slaves. How many do you have? What’s that? None? That’s too bad. Must suck being you and knowing that my life is so much greater than yours.
Look how high I am. I’m not even trying, but I’m ten feet in the air. I could play professional basketball if I wanted. You couldn’t. You’re barely coordinated enough to tie your shoes without getting hurt. Man, I hate you. I’m going to be fed grapes by 20 nubile virgins, and you’re going to go home and eat Spaghetti-O’s strait out of the can. That’s pathetic.
Sure is nice to be me. I can have anything I want. You disagree? Let me present my proof that supports my claim. I’M EFFING FLOATING. Go ahead and try it. Oh, you can’t? That’s too bad. If you’d keep your mouth shut for about 5 seconds, I might let you serve me selflessly, with no thought for your own personal comfort or desires.
Good choice. Even though you don’t deserve it, I’ll let you be yet another of my slaves. I’m benevolent AND I can float. Plus I’m about a million times smarter than you. Now shut up and get over here and change my diaper.
SPLAIN IT!! Beardface
By: Dirk | September 1st, 2009 | Category: Splain It
Dr. Kevin Elevin didn’t need body odor or bad breath to repel the ladies. He just merely looked himself and away they ran, cringing in disgust; sometimes vomiting on the spot. He tried to fix his face by covering it in hair but that only made matters worse. He couldn’t help it though, this was the only expression his face could make.
“It’s quite disturbing, except around Halloween when ugly is expected,” a young female co-worker quoted. She added “Like Freddy Krueger, but not scary, just ugly. His face looks like it has been mutilated by an ugly stick, if the stick was in the hands of satan on meth.”
His face caused video conferencing to be banned in his workplace after five co-workers jumped out of their seventh floor window, and two went mysteriously missing. The offices were also moved to the basement and Kevin got a new office all to himself, where his looks could no longer cause psychological harm.
Side-note: Apparently his looks have actually driven his mother insane. She has been seen running around naked, wearing lipstick on her nipples, screaming “God must HATE me!”.
Most say that this phrase is directed at her son for looking like ’sin with eyes’, but when his father Dugg was asked about her recent quote, he stated, “It’s prolly cuz her vagina smells like a Japanese whaling fleet. Either that or God hates me too”.
Thankfully, for the aforementioned reasons, this is the last known picture of the ’Worlds Ugliest Man’. After this picture was spread about the Internet, his looks alone caused the most prolific computer virus known to man, and all computers immediately exploded in fear.
Dr. Kevin Elevin reportedly joined the special forces, where he will be used as ‘a device of devastation’ against North Korea. He’s like the new A-Bomb, with a beard of regret and a side of despair. Eat up Kim, He’s comin’ for ya.
SPLAIN IT!! Prophet of Satan
By: Dirk | August 27th, 2009 | Category: Splain It
“The rising of the Death Lord will see the end of all! I require pizza!”
Floyd Wayne Rudolph prophesied to his brethren. They were in absolute awe, and terrified of his power. Floyd was the prophet of his dark master, Satan. At least that’s what he told his followers.
Born Wallace Steinenstein (very Jewish), he had always had an attraction to two things: carnal man attention and Beelzebub. As he aged, he realized that his weirdness made him a target for the “cool kids” in school. By “cool kids”, I mean everyone else in school, students, teachers, janitors, etc. The only way he avoided being picked on was to freak out his peers enough that they weren’t sure if he could or could not kill them by praying to his master.
After high school, Wallace changed his name and moved to California, where most of the weirdoes seem to migrate, anyway. He bought television ads advertising his connection to Satan, with the money he made as a fortune teller and spiritualist, whatever the Hell that is. His commercials consisted of him, sitting on a ram’s severed head (actually a wax sculpture he had made in his basement), looking directly into the camera, and saying “I’m down with the Devil. Are you?” They made no sense, but managed to attract four young men, who held their leader up as Hell’s representative on earth.
His coterie catered to his every whim. They fed, clothed, shaved, bathed, and massaged his muscles after a long, hard day of apocalyptic teaching. Their nightly activities consisted of yucky, sweaty man love and minor acts of vandalism. They were single-handedly responsible for the disappearance of 666 garden gnomes over the course of three months. Hell’s paradise on earth, though, must eventually come to an end.
Floyd was stricken with Bell ’s palsy, a debilitating and hilarious disease that caused half of his face to sag, and removed all control of his bodily functions, or so he said. He would lay on his couch, trying to smile eerily, but just looking humorous as the right side of his face would not respond to his commands. His followers eventually drifted away, as they realized his new disease caused him to constantly soil and wet himself, then prophesying that his evil lord demanded they clean him.
He was finally left by all the members of his small cult, except his favorite, Dwight. As the years passed, and none of Floyd’s predictions came true, Dwight and Floyd found that their love outweighed all the craziness of their devil-worshipping ways. They moved to San Francisco and became life mates, later becoming the inspiration for Brokeback Mountain. The writers may have taken a small bit of artistic freedom in the retelling of the story, but Floyd and Dwight died happy and together, clothed only in their love and disgustingness.
SPLAIN IT!! Life Choices
By: Dirk | August 20th, 2009 | Category: Splain It
L: “Oh he’s so cute! How old is he?”
R: “Thank you! He just turned three. Is she yours?”
L: “Um…yeah…”
R: “She doesn’t look very much like you.”
L: “Are you serious? Who says that?”
R: “Well she doesn’t. Her eyes are all wrong. I’d get a maternity test.”
L: “You cannot be for real. How can you say that about MY child?! Look at yours!”
R: “Well at least he has an excuse. He’s adopted. You’re a rude young lady. I bet your husband was sleeping around. That’s why she looks so different from you.”
L: “Your ’son’ is a pig.”
R: “Well I don’t know about that. He’s a good eater, sure. We like to tell him he’s a healthy boy. He’s so cute when he’s eating. Cute and enthusiastic. Does your husband have a secretary? Most cheating happens at work.”
L: “He’s literally a pig. You dressed him up in people clothes. And my husband isn’t cheating on me.”
R: “Keep telling yourself that, bitch. I’m taking little Wilbur to get some ice cream. Good luck with your failed marriage.”
SPLAIN IT!! No Noose Is Good Noose
By: Dirk | August 18th, 2009 | Category: Splain It
In 1982 Ralph was welcomed into this world by bright fluorescent hospital lights, wide brimmed hats and the sweet melodic tunes of a full eight man Mariachi band. ‘Pedro’s Tackle Box’ as the band was known, was headed by none other than Ralph’s alcoholic father, Murphy, who blew the trumpet.
After Ralph’s sixth birthday, he and his father packed up and headed for the lights and show girls of Las Vegas. Murphy had since become sober and immediately left Ralph’s mother, Teresa, for being pudgy and resembling an unattractive man.
Following a short stint managing the all female naked break dancing crew “The Flying V” and a few STD battles, Murphy tragically died after an altercation with a local street musician. He was reportedly stabbed in the femoral artery with a broken saxophone reed and bled to death. No one but Bernadette, the sloppy, knee scabbed escort saw the incident, but even she was unable to testify due to the syphilis that deeply affected her vision.
After hearing the news of Murphy’s death, Teresa had come to Vegas to be with Ralph. She too fell into a putrid trap of hardcore sexual emulsification; blending body parts and bendable slender objects for theatrical glory and fame. Teresa made little to no money in that business (probably because she was pudgy and resembled a man). Soon thereafter, she also met her maker (not for long), when she was tazered repeatedly by Las Vegas Police for talking when she wasn’t spoken to.
As for Ralph, he was left parentless and uneducated, never once experiencing the overly bumpy bus rides to school, or the joys of roaming the harsh high school hallways. He was found alive and embarrassed in his motel room, after an attempted suicide by hanging.
