The Pinkie's Official “Hilariousness” Page
“There’s A Leprechaun Up In That Tree”
By: nickev | March 17th, 2010 | Category: Hilariousness - VideosIn honor of St. Patrick’s Day I have to break out one of the most hilarious videos I have ever seen. Residents of Mobile, Alabama thought for certain that there was a leprechaun roaming around.
“To me, it look like a leprechaun to me. All you gotta do is look up in the tree,” said one man. “Who else see the leprechaun, say YEAAHH!”
However, other residents were skeptical.
“It could be a crackhead, that got hold to the wrong stuff,” said a lady in her car. “And it told him to get up in the tree and play a leprechaun.”
Luckily, for the residents of Mobile, there is a man with a special leprechaun flute, a flute he received from his great, great, great grandfather, who is taking charge of the situation. Also, they have a pretty good sketch of the elusive leprechaun.
But, when it comes down to it. All the residents of Mobile really care about is where the gold is.
“I wanna know where the gold at!”
Check out the video and then drink some green beer.
How To: Storm a Castle
By: Dirk | March 15th, 2010 | Category: How To: Your Guide to Being a Man
Cliff here. If you read the title and are thinking that “storming castles” is slang for “breaking down women’s mental and emotional barriers in order to try your penetrate her love-cave”, then you’re partially right. That’s a funny and more abstract interpretation, but today we’re dealing with ACTUAL castles. If you’re disappointed about that, and have no idea how to get in the pants of various chickses, check out this post. If you don’t know of any castles in your area, you’re probably a surburbanite yuppie. Cut that out. Or you could always try to redeem your business-casual ass by storming any of the office buildings around your place of business.
If, on the other hand, you’ve been wondering about the best way to infiltrate the castle down the street, look no further. Your man-meat and two veggies entitle you to basically take anything you want by using force. It’s your God-given right, and if that douche sitting in his fortress thinks his plunder is safe, he’s about to learn otherwise. Besides, it’s about time you had your own castle.
To gain access to another man’s palace, you can take one of two routes, both equally badass. The classic full-on assault is pretty sweet, and you can guarantee that every woman in town will be out there to watch you batter down your rivals’ surrounding walls. Try not to kill too many of his villagers, since those bitches will be working for you in 24 hours. You’ve got to think practically while slaughtering some of his serfs.
If you want to have a little fun with arts and crafts before storming his citadel, consider making a catapult or two, at least one trebuchet, and a few battering rams. Remember that he’s bound to have at least a couple archers, so make sure you’re well armored, and that your war machines are resistant to boiling tar and gayishness. Getting shot through with a poison arrow stings a little, and you don’t want anything to interfere with your post-victory celebration. Do youu think Super Bowl celebrations can get out of control? You’ve obviously never been to one of my Palace Liberation Parties, where the castle’s ladies finally get their sticky, naughty hands on a real man while serving up delicious nacho dip and hot wings.
Method number two (Heh…number two…) to take over that castle is to do it under cover of darkness, ninja-style. Full frontal assaults are pretty great (as a rule, anything described as “full frontal” tends to be fairly awesome), but sneaky assassinations are also rife with badassery. Throw on your ninja suit and grab your shurikens, because it’s time for a little bit of infiltration. Leap over the wall when the guards are looking the other way and choke them out with your shoelaces for complete silence. When morning comes, all the fighting men in the compound are dead, and all the ladies are still bathed in sweat from the “injections” they’ve all received. Awesome.
Anyway, give it a shot. If you prefer one method over the other, no worries. Just get your girlish ass a few plundered castles under your belt, and you’ll be a man in no time. If you happen to be considering storming one of my numerous castles, you might want to think again. I don’t have a wall or a moat, because I don’t need them. I will strait up cut a bitch. See you next week.
Mini-Roast of the ESPN College Basketball Analysts
By: Stella | March 12th, 2010 | Category: Hilariousness - SportsMarch madness is in full swing and that nerdy dude in your office is already trying to unload bracket sleeper picks as if he has some sort of insider stock tip. What better way to get ready for the hoops insanity than to clown on him? While we’re at it, lets just set up a mini-roast of all the college basketball analysts we will be listening to over the next few weeks. Feel free to add your own hate of the ESPN stooges in the comments section. Perhaps next time we will truly go below the belt and do a round of hate on the hideous female sideline reporters the four-letter network throws at us this time of year.
Doug Gottlieb
I wanted to start the P90X workout until I heard the commercial “ESPN’s Doug Gottlieb is in the best shape of his life.” Thankfully, I can now continue to sit on the couch and do 12-ounce curls. I don’t think anyone would argue with me when I say Gottlieb seems like the dude who would wear two popped-collar polos at the bar, to go with his gelled hair and fruity drink. Have you seen the schnozz on this dude? It makes Bruce Pearl and Bob Sagat blush. They should have held all the Vancouver Olympic skiing events on his left nostril.
Science has proven the highlighter's fumes have made Digger clinically insane.
Digger Phelps
Some like to call Digger the King Tool. Holding a highligher while you talk does not add any credibility when you speak, although it does almost take some of the attention off your greased up white hair. Is Digger’s highlighter color coordinating with his tie? Who cares, the other guys on set are only worried about if he took his geritol so he won’t vapor lock on the air.
Dick Vitale
Note to Dukie V: You already had one throat operation because you talked too loud and too much. Now that you are back in the spotlight, you are screaming the same nonsense at the same decibel level. This is akin to someone with lung cancer continuing to smoke a pack a day once they start their chemo treatment. And why do you have to fondle your play-by-play commentator before every big game? There’s a fine line between excitement and homoerotic touching.
Jay Bilas
Raise your hand if you have ever wanted to break the ‘Bilastrator.’ I would rather watch Rosie O’ Donnell work over a farm animal than see Bilas try to teach X’s and O’s. If only Bilas were as cool as he was tall, then perhaps we wouldn’t swear when we find out he is calling a game.
Hubert Davis
Hubie puts an exclamation point on the pro-ACC crew by slobbing all over his alma mater, North Carolina. I’m pretty sure he still has them as a bubble team for this year. While he may not be quite as annoying as the rest of the crew, that is the equivalent of being called the cutest fat chick.
Ben Roethlisberger Off-Season Training in Full Swing
By: Stella | March 9th, 2010 | Category: Hilariousness - Sports - UncategorizedJust a few years ago, we were all near tears puking as we heard about choir boy/Steelers’ QB Ben Roethlisberger driving his little sister to prom on the team’s bye week. While Roethlisberger’s bye week activities may be pure and altruistic, his off-season endeavors are a bit more brash. After hitting the college bar circuit in the Milledgeville, Georgia area this past week, Big Ben is facing sexual assault charges from a 20-year-old. She claims the quarterback may have put his hands under center when she asked him to get back in shotgun formation. While there is definitely a chance she’s just a gold digger looking to get into the quarterback’s pockets, this is the second such case brought against the Manchurian Quarterback in the past few years. It’s tough to hate on a single, 28-year-old pro athlete looking to get some strange, but throwing booze down an underage girl’s throat is something that NickEv would do to a young hottie on a Friday night. Here are a few other off-season activities Big Ben may be taking part in to prepare for the upcoming season.
Hoping to get an honorary degree from Georgia College and State U?
- Bathroom attendant
Much like the guy handing out towels at a gentleman’s club, the Miami-Ohio alum seems to enjoy his time in the men’s room. Although we may never know exactly what went on in the now infamous Georgia bathroom, I’m sure Roethlisberger was running the hurry-up offense. Whether it was a criminal act or just a random hookup, Ben seems to have mastered the intricacies of public restroom etiquette.
- Greek Week participant
What better way to fan your competitive flame, all while getting to impress some college-age girls? Big Ben dropping anchor in the tug of war event would mean an instant victory for one lucky fraternity. Better hope there’s not a flag football event, otherwise there’s gonna be some frat boys catching long bombs while blushing chicks look on with Solo cups in their hands.
- Public speaker for underage drinking awareness
Commissioner Goodell loves NFL players making public service announcements almost as much as the athletes hate making them. The Manchurian quarterback wants to remind all young people that drinking if you’re under 21 is just wrong…unless you have a fake ID want to come into his VIP room.
How To: Throw an Everyday Party
By: Dirk | March 8th, 2010 | Category: How To: Your Guide to Being a Man
Cliff here. An everyday party for a guy is different from a Bachelor Party (note the capitalization). If you need help with one of those, check out this little gem. Otherwise, shutup.
Every man needs a castle. Your castle is your home base for eatin’, drinkin’, and whorin’. If you can’t chug an ice-cold beer while eating a turkey leg between the thighs of a Vietnamese hooker in your own house, you can forget about ever being happy. Some men just need their own four walls to get home after work and relax.
Some men like to throw parties. I’m not talking about any of those wine-tasting, appetizer-infested cockstravaganzas. A man party (instead of “man party”, it’s probably more accurate to call it “a party thrown by a man, where chicks dance around partially or totally naked, everyone gets drunk, and eventually Cliff bangs all the girls – even the one you brought AND her sister”) in short, is more appropriately named “Armageddon”. If you’re fond of your place, first of all you’re a sissy homemaking bitch, and second of all you shouldn’t be throwing Armageddon. If your friends aren’t a bunch of one-nutted kittens, there’s a 50-50 chance that at least one wall of your house will need to be replaced, and you’ll sure as Hell want to replace every single piece of furniture in what’s left of your place since the “working girls” will need to sit at some point.
The whole idea behind a party is to have a good time, and I don’t see any other way to do that without lighting at least one or two pieces of furniture and/or party guests on fire. It automatically ensures that they’ll provide some entertainment, and with any luck your fire department buddies may show up and help provide another essential element of a kick-ass bash: Water games.
Whether you decide to play one of my favorite party games – appropriately named “Riot!”, and take turns blasting each other with fire hoses, or make the world’s fastest and badassiest Slip ‘n Slide, fire trucks bring a whole new level of entertainment to any party thrown by a guy. Worst case scenario, you get to put on their bunker gear and kick in your neighbors’ doors. Awesome.
If you’ve seen “The Hangover”, you have a rough idea of how to throw an easygoing celebration. Stealing a tiger and pulling your own tooth? Awesome. Marrying a stripper? Worst idea ever. If these guys hadn’t been so low-key, though, they might have realized that said tiger would make a sweet ride to the nearest bar, and instead pulled the teeth of all the ladies at the party to facilitate a different kind of Slip ‘n Slide. Heh. Granny style. Nice.
If you’re throwing a little bash in your house, you don’t need to provide booze. Instead, make your guests bring liquor as part of their price of admission, as part of the scavenger hunt they went on before showing up. Rules: No buying anything – get criminal, each guy must bring five or more ladies – rated eight or above on a ten-point scale, and everyone must have a gun. There should be no set plans for the weapons at the start of the shindig, just let the night develop and see where the firearms take you.
Anyway, I’m done tossing out my pointers for now, I’ve got a party to get to. Whether your next bash turns out to be a shindig, hootenanny, hoedown, or even a run-of-the-mill jamboree, follow the tips above to make sure it’s at least a little bit memorable for the ladies for some other reason than they finally got railed by a man. You should be that man, unless I’m there, in which case, you may as well settle back on the couch and watch some ESPN, because I’m not gonna be done with your girls for a while. See you next week.
TV Hosts Play Some Wii Curling
By: nickev | March 5th, 2010 | Category: Hilariousness - VideosI’m not “jerking” your chain, there actually is Wii Curling and these TV Hosts are “pumped” about it. In all seriousness, John Schuster and Debbie McCormick need to play this constantly so they can quit sucking at curling.
Former UK Football Coach Guy Morriss Teaching His Team Not-So-Civil Disobedience
By: Stella | March 4th, 2010 | Category: Cats - Hilariousness - Sports
Former University of Kentucky head football coach Guy Morriss, who is now the head coach at Division-II Texas A&M-Commerce, is standing firm after some of his players recently orchestrated a mass theft of all copies of the school’s student newspapers. Players weren’t trying to organize a ‘Go Green’ campaign, but instead were taking the papers as a protest, because the front page story covered the arrest of two football players for marijuana possession. Although there have been no claims of the report being incorrect, players still thought it their duty to organize an early morning raid of all newspaper stands across campus.
In the February 25th edition of the student-ran East Texan, the busting of two Commerce players for weed was documented. This came after a related incident in January, when a recruit got sick after toking up with some current players. Amateur! Like Mystikal says: “B*t*h, you ain’t no smoker!”
No Limit rap references aside, instead of giving the standard apology about how his program doesn’t condone this type of behavior, Morriss is fully supporting the players, calling it “the best team-building exercise his team has ever done.” Morriss says he’s proud of his players for standing by their teammates.
Check out the whole story here, as it is a solid read. While Morriss’ team knows they can’t control the news in the information age (this isn’t Iran), they can at least get back at some pencil pushing journalists by taking a whole bunch of newspapers that were eventually going to be sent to the recycle bin, anyway. Perhaps after this team-building exercise, Morriss’ squad will finish better than the 5-5 record they had this past season. Whether you agree with Morriss’ position or not, you have to laugh at his devil-may-care attitude, although it may cost him his job.
Morris was 9-14 in two seasons as head coach of the Cats, taking over after the Hal Mumme fiasco. After a 7-5 season in 2002, he jetted for his home state of Texas to take the Baylor job. After five years of getting smoked in the Big 12 south, Morriss was axed, and spent last year on the Kentucky State staff before getting his current gig at A&M-Commerce.
He PingPing, the World’s Smallest Man, Smokes a Carton a Day
By: nickev | March 2nd, 2010 | Category: Hilariousness - VideosNo comments needed. Just watch. The kid is unstoppable.
How To: Understand a Man
By: Dirk | March 1st, 2010 | Category: How To: Your Guide to Being a Man
Cliff here. I’m going to switch it up this week and speak to my lady friends. Men, feel free to keep reading, but this is all stuff you already know or feel. For some strange reason, some women complain about how they can’t get any action from the guys in their life. When I hear a woman say something stupid like that, it leads to to one of three conclusions: she’s stupid, she’s HORRIBLY ugly, or she’s an evil, stuck-up harlot who isonly interested in herself. For a woman, getting tail is as simple as walking up to any guy around, and simply asking, “Will you have sex with me?” If he says no, he’s a liar.
For you girls out there who claim you’re not ugly and/or stupid (some of you are – that’s just statistics), and still can’t ever seem to play with Amanda Hugankiss, you’ve come to the right place (Sound it out – A Man da Hug and Kiss…if you’re just now getting it, maybe you really ARE too stupid and men are sick of hearing you try to make a coherent sentence. Think about it.). I’m here to crack this nut WIDE open on men and their motivations. To be honest, we’re all a little shocked you haven’t figured us out yet. Men are motivated exclusively by four things, in this order: Sex, Respect, Entertainment, Money. That’s it. Stop overthinking this, and don’t be stupid and say your man doesn’t care about x, y, or z. Yes he does. Shut up.
It’s pretty obvious that our number one motivation is sex. Ladies, if you have trouble grasping this point, as completely elementary as it may be, then take a second to replay a few conversations you’ve recently had with any man. It doesn’t matter if it’s your biological father, best friends’ brother, teacher, minister, or Dick Clark the stroke victim. There was at least one second in any conversation he’s had with a woman (even you)where his eyes lost focus, or they dropped to your supple bosoms and/or delightful haunches. If it’s someone to whom you’re related, chances are he isn’t thinking specifically about your body parts (although he might…), but his mind wandered, his eyes lost focus and he thought to himself, “I wonder what [insert woman's name here] would look like covered in neopolitan ice cream…”, or “Gosh, I’d like to bang [some woman's name or body part]!” I could insert an answer into either one of those brackets, and every man you’ve ever met could do the same in five seconds or less.
Respect is another one that should be self-evident to you ladies, but you’re all possibly a little dumber than we’ve been giving you credit for. You all like to tell stories about how your man is such a baby, because when he’s sick he just lays on the couch and depends on you to take care of him. YUP! It doesn’t get any more humiliating than you cleaning up our filth and bringing us food because we’re currently disagreeing with our bodies. Sometimes we’ll fake being sick, just to lay on the couch and make you run our errands. Surprise! In any case, start treating your man like the only thing standing between you and prostitution. He’s making money for you to be able to support your stupid extravagant lifestyle, and his mere presence is enough in most cases for other men to not offer you money in exchange for sex. You’re welcome. Plus he’s physically stronger and could kill you with his bear hands (not a misspelling), but restrains himself – even when you nag him out over how dirty his car is, or the fact that he wore black shoes with a brown belt. His self control is sometimes the only thing keeping you alive. Respect that.
On top of sex and respect, men will often do or say things simply to entertain themselves. In many cases, that entertainment will coincide with one of the other three major topics running through his head. Sex jokes make us laugh, so we tell them. Other men laugh and think we’re funny, so they respect us. Sometimes we tell jokes about prostitution, where sex and money come together, and gain us more respect. On a side note, I want to make a bumper sticker that says “Whoring: The Crossroads of Your Genitals and My Wallet.” Off topic, but still very important. Anyway, men do things strictly to humor our own damn selves. Sometimes when you say we’re being the World’s Biggest A$$hole, it’s because 1. It makes us laugh to tell you that we’ve been considering railing your sister for the past two years, and 2. “World’s Biggest” is a Hell of an achievement, and it feels good to be the best at something.
The last major motivator for men is money. We assign value to it because we had to work our asses off earn it. We’ll be damned if you can just toss a crapload of cash down the drain so you can have a purse made by some french guy (intentionally not capitalized because the french are bitches). If we DO decide to spring for some stupid thing that you just HAD to have, we fully expect to get something back. By “something”, I mean at LEAST two of the other things on this list. Tell us how much you respect that filthy nailing we just gave you, make us a sandwich, then scoot on back down to your knees for another go, because that effing purse cost $300. See you next week.
Lil’ Buddy in Ohio Builds Igloo with Cable Television and Surround Sound
By: nickev | February 26th, 2010 | Category: Hilariousness - VideosI should have posted this last week but we were too busy oooin’ and awwin’ over the John Wall Snowman. Well, Lil’ Buddy, aka Jimmy Grey, of Aquilla, OH, was so bored after being laid off for a year that he put together a six-room igloo, accompanied with an entertainment room that includes cable television and surround sound.
It’s cold out there but the Bud never gets warm.
