Geno Atkins and the Bengals hope for their first playoff win since Bush 1's first term.

Cincinnati at Houston, Saturday 4:30PM ET

The Texans are NFL playoff virgins, making their first appearance in their nine seasons of existence…If Houston is a playoff virgin, the Bengals are the guy who seldom gets laid, as they only have two playoff appearances in the last 20 years and haven’t won a postseason game since 1990…The Bengals original owner, Paul Brown, based Cincinnati’s uniforms off the Browns’ apparel, because, well, he still had their equipment after Browns’ owner Art Modell fired him.

Ndamukong Suh's first playoff appearance means he will be eating more babies than usual this week.

Detroit at New Orleans, Saturday 8PM

Up until a few years ago, the Saints and Lions were equally inept franchises. Until 2000, N’awlins had never won a playoff game, but this will be the Saints 5th playoff appearance in the 21st century, not to mention their Super Bowl title in 2009 when they beat the Colts…While the Lions were a force in the NFL’s early days (four NFL championships before 1958), they have been a joke in the Super Bowl era, as this will be their first playoff appearance in 12 years…The mascot ‘Saints’ derived from the area’s heavy Catholic All Saints Day, helping to explain the city’s incessant boozing and partying that we all hope to someday take part in.  

Atlanta at New York, Sunday 1PM

The Giants get to face the Falcons in the new Meadowlands despite an up-and-down 9-7 year, but the G-Men’s D-line is getting healthy at the right time, putting up 11 sacks over the past two weeks and a 3-1 mark in December…Atlanta came into the league in 1966, but didn’t go to the playoffs until ’78, and their only Super Bowl appearance was Dan Reeves’ ‘Dirty Birds’ squad in ’98…The reason Chris Berman calls them the ‘New York football Giants’ 800 times every ESPN telecast is because they shared the name with the baseball team until 1957, so the owners added ‘football’ to their legal name in hopes of differentiation.

Rookie Von Miller hopes to replicate this scene, except with Big Ben on his back.

Pittsburgh at Denver, Sunday 4:30

These teams have met in the playoffs six times, and five times the winner has went on to the Super Bowl…Both teams are banged up coming into the game, but hobbled Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger will give it a go in an attempt to run his January winning streak to eight…The three colors on the Steelers helmet represents the colors used in the steel making process: yellow for coal, red for iron ore, and blue for scrap steel, although I’m not sure why yellow is used for coal. Can someone help me out on that one??

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Houston QB Case Keenum will try to dish out some southern justice on Penn State.

TicketCity Bowl, Noon ET
#20 Houston (12-1) v. #24 Penn State (9-3)

In just its second year at the Old Cotton Bowl stadium in Dallas, the TicketCity Bowl, although obscurely named, should be an interesting contrast in styles. The Cougars were 12-0 and on their way to a possible BCS bid until Southern Miss upended them in the C-USA title game. Now, Case Keenum and his NCAA-record for touchdown passes get to stay close to home for their bowl, but they will do it without their head coach, who has accepted the Texas A&M job. Jerry Sandusky’s escapades overshadowed a solid season for the Nittany Lions, who used a stingy defense to get within one game of a Big 10 Big1G title shot.

Gator Bowl, 1PM
Ohio State (6-6) v. Florida (6-6)

Two traditional powers will square off in Jacksonville, although both were given a favorable bowl selection after mediocre seasons. The last time these two teams played was the 2006 National Title game, when Urban Meyer and the Gators waxed tOSU. Now, Meyer is on his way to Columbus, but only after Braxton Miller and company try and take out a Gator team that only beat one SEC team after September.

Melvin Ingram and the stout South Carolina D will try and match up against Bo Pelini's huge schnozz.

Capital One Bowl, 1PM
#21 Nebraska (9-3) v. #10 South Carolina (10-2)

Two rushing and defensive-oriented teams will take the field in this one, as the Gamecocks try and get their school record 11th win of the year. The Huskers, who went 5-3 in their first year in the Big 10, are looking for their third strait 10-win season thanks to a rushing attack that averaged over 220 yards/game. Cocks WR Alshon Jeffrey should play in this one, although he had surgery on his hand the day after SC’s final regular season game.

Outback Bowl, 1PM
#12 Michigan State (10-3) v. #18 Georgia (10-3)

Two teams that lost their respective conference championship games get together in Tampa. Sparty lost a heart breaker to Wisconsin in the Big 10 title game to dash their Rose Bowl hopes, but will try to salvage some pride against a Georgia squad that turned an 0-2 start into an SEC East crown. Although Mark Dantonio has enjoyed good success with Michigan State, he has come up empty in bowl games, and the Spartans haven’t gotten a postseason win since 2001. UGA will be making its 15th consecutive bowl appearance, one of the nation’s longest such streaks.

LaMichael James and the Ducks will probably use their one millionth new uniform combination in the Rose Bowl.

Rose Bowl, 5PM
#9 Wisconsin (11-2) v. #6 Oregon (11-2)

Another contrast of styles in Pasadena, as the Badgers will try and get a victory after falling short against TCU in last year’s Rose Bowl. Oregon’s high octane spread attack ran through everyone on their schedule not named LSU, but a late season loss to USC ruined any hopes of a repeat appearance in the national title game. Wisconsin’s offense was equally potent, but their methods were more of a traditional, old-school, ram-rod running game. Badger offensive coordinator Paul Chryst will be coaching his last game as a Badger before heading to Pitt to be their new head coach.

Fiesta Bowl, 8:30PM
#4 Stanford (11-1) v. #3 Oklahoma State (11-1)

The scoreboard figures to be busy in the desert, as two potent offenses get together in a game between two teams who had national title hopes heading into November. For the second strait year, the Cardinal’s hopes were dashed by Oregon, while the Cowboys got nipped in a late-season Friday night upset against Iowa State. Now, Heisman runner-up/NFL Draft “can’t miss prospect” Andrew Luck will try and outduel the 28 year-old Brandon Weeden, who led the OSU offense to an average of over 49 points per game.

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BYU knows how to properly represent the Mormon population.

Armed Forces Bowl, Noon ET
BYU (9-3) v. Tulsa (8-4)

Two teams with zero military affiliation square in an 11AM local kickoff from Fort Worth. These teams used to conference foes in the WAC, but will now meet in a bowl that has typically provided lots of offensive fireworks since its 2003 inception.
How BYU Got Here: In their first year as an independent, Bronco Mendenhall led the Cougars to its seventh strait bowl game. Despite being conference nomads, BYU played many of the WAC and Mountain West teams it has seen in its past. They won eight of nine after getting shellacked by in-state rival Utah on Sept. 17.

How Tulsa Got Here: After a murderous early season stretch that saw the Golden Hurricane play Oklahoma, Okie State, and Boise State, Tulsa reeled off seven strait wins before falling to Houston in a game that would have sent them to the C-USA championship. Head coach Bill Blankenship is in his first year leading the team, as he replaced college football’s newest promiscuous asshole coach, Todd Graham.

Pinstripe Bowl, 3:20PM
Iowa State (6-6) v. Rutgers (8-4)

Yankee Stadium will host its second bowl game when the Cyclones and Scarlet Knights get together. Hank Steinbrenner and his cronies had to be thrilled with the inaugural game last year, when Syracuse knocked off Kansas State in one of the bowl season’s most exciting contests.

How Iowa St. Got Here: Iowa State may only be .500, but shook up the BCS picture in the season’s final weeks when they knocked off Oklahoma State. Paul Rhoads’ crew is never immensely talented, but always seem to be good for a few upsets or rallies during the season. This season was no different, as the Cyclones won four games in which they were trailing in the 4th quarter.

How Rutgers Got Here: While Iowa State’s schedule this season was brutal, the Scarlet Knights faced just one team that was ranked. Still, Rutgers was 8-3 and had a shot at a BCS slot until their final game, when they face planted against UConn. WR Mohamed Sanu set a new Big East record with 109 catches this year.

Music City Bowl, 6:40PM
Mississippi State (6-6) v. Wake Forest (6-6)

Some SEC/ACC action between .500 teams in Nashville as the Demon Deacons try to get their sixth bowl victory in their last seven appearances. The ACC has taken the last two in this series, but Dan Mullen’s crew will be trying to prove that their even record was a product of a brutal schedule.

How Miss. St. Got Here: Consecutive bowl appearances haven’t been seen in Starkville in over a decade, but their romp over Ole Miss in the Egg Bowl gets the Bulldogs in the postseason for the second strait year. RB Vick Ballard was a 1,000-yard rusher in 2011, and has scored 29 TDs over the last two seasons.

How Wake Got Here: The Deacs 6-6 mark doesn’t hold the same weight as the Mississippi State’s identical record from the SEC West, but Wake got some nice early season wins over NC State and Florida State before suffering through a nose dive in the second half of the season. It’s Wake Forest’s first bowl appearance since 2008.

Landry Jones will try and take out his late-season disappointment on the Hawkeyes.

Insight Bowl, 10PM
Iowa (7-5) v. Oklahoma (9-3)

Iowa won a thriller over Mizzou in this game last year, so we’ll see what the Hawkeyes can do for an encore in the desert. Apparently, the frequent increase in our cable bill here in Louisville is helping pay for Insight to be the title sponsor of this bowl game over the past 15 years. Iowa RB Marcus Coker, who had seven 100-yard games this year, has been suspended for this one.

How Iowa Got Here: WR Marvin McNutt was perhaps the best receiver in the Big 10 1G, lighting up defenses for  over 1,200 yards and 12 TDs. Iowa’s midseason victory over Michigan was their most impressive, but the Hawkeyes lost three of their last five. Kirk Ferentz and company will try to win their fourth consecutive bowl game.

How Oklahoma Got Here: Preseason national title hopes continued to rise during the Sooners 6-0 start. A couple upsets and numerous injuries later, however, and the Sooners have to be somewhat disappointed to be playing in this mid-level bowl. Landry Jones and his 28 TD passes will try and get Bob Stoops the ‘W’ over his alma mater.

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Western Michigan QB Alex Carder hopes the 3rd time is a charm against a Big 1G(?) foe.

Tuesday, Dec. 27:  Little Ceaser’s Bowl, 4:30PM
Western Michigan (7-5) v. Purdue (6-6)

$5 Hot and Readys for both teams as they face off at the Little Ceaser’s Bowl in Detroit.  Nothing says college life like some freshly-delivered pizza, so why shouldn’t this franchise sponsor a bowl game pitting a Big-10 squad against a MAC foe.

How WMU Got Here: In their first bowl appearance since ’08, the Broncos get to stay within state lines after going undefeated at home. All-American WR Jordan White was one of the nation’s leading receiver, putting up 127 catches and 16 TDs. After going toe-to-toe in losses with Big-10 Big-1G foes Michigan and Illinois this September, QB Alex Carder and the Broncos should be ready for the Boilers.

How Purdue Got Here: 3rd-year coach Danny Hope gets his first bowl appearance at Purdue thanks to a pair of November victories that got the Boilers to .500 in the conference. Four years ago, Purdue went to this same bowl game, winning a crazy 51-48 thriller over Central Michigan.

Tuesday, Dec. 27: Belk Bowl, 8PM
Louisville (7-5) v. North Carolina State (7-5)

StraitCards.com is all over this preview. Read up here.

Wednesday, 12/28: Military Bowl, 4:30PM
Toledo (8-4) v. Air Force (7-5)

Played at RFK Stadium in DC, this game has only been around four years, and was known as the EagleBank Bowl up until this season. Tim Beckman, who has been head coach at Toledo the last three years, is nowhere to be found, as he has accepted the head job at Illinois.

How Toledo Got Here: An offense that averaged over 42 points/game, including 53+ in November, will try to put an  exclamation point on a season that saw the Rockets go 7-1 in MAC play. Excitement hasn’t been a problem this year for Toledo, as the Rockets played games over the last month that have ended in scores of 63-60 and 66-63.

How Air Force Got Here: One of the nation’s last triple option offenses, the Falcons averaged over 320 yards/game on the ground this year while winning four of their last five. Air Force finds themselves in their fifth strait bowl under Troy Calhoun, but failed to beat any FBS teams with a winning record in 2011.

Cal LB Mychal Kendricks is not a fan of Bevo.

Wednesday, 12/28: Holiday Bowl, 8PM
California (7-5) v. Texas (7-5)

The Longhorns have came to San Diego and conquered the Holiday twice in the last 10 years, but this year Mack Brown meets Jeff Tedford in a match-up of coaches that have lost some of their auras of invincibility over the past few seasons. The Golden Bears were also a part of the Holiday Bowl in 2004 and ’06, beating Texas A&M in 2006 when Marshawn Lynch wore a Cal uniform.

How Cal Got Here: Three November wins put Cal back on track after a 4-4 start, giving Tedford his 8th bowl in 10 seasons at Cal. LB Mychal Kendricks was the Pac-12 Defensive Player of the Year, helping the Bears hang tough after a rough mid-season stretch that saw them lose four of five.

How Texas Got Here: You knew the Longhorns weren’t going to go two strait years without a bowl, but the 7-5 finish has to be modestly disappointing to a fan base that has been used to consistent BCS berths. Late-season attrition at the running back position was one reason for Texas losing three of their last four, but an anemic passing offense also played a part, and Texas will play their first bowl game since losing in the national title game two years ago.

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Poinsettia Bowl: Wednesday, Dec. 21, 8PM
TCU (10-2) v. Louisiana Tech (8-4)

Instead of the big money payout of the BCS, TCU gets 500 grand to head to San Diego and take on WAC champion Louisiana Tech. After derailing Boise State’s title hopes, the Horned Frogs thought maybe they could back door into the BCS fold, but their October loss to SMU was a bit too much for the numbers to swallow. Over 50 years ago, this was an annual game for military academies, but it became defunct and was resurrected in 2005 as a normal bowl game.

How TCU Got Here: For an encore to their 13-0 season in 2010, the Frogs won another conference title this year, albeit after early season losses to Baylor and SMU. It speaks volumes for Gary Patterson and his staff that this season’s two losses are more than they had in the last two years combined.

How La Tech Got Here: After a 1-4 start that saw them cough up three 4th quarter leads, the Bulldogs steamrolled to seven strait WAC wins and a surprise conference title. Good to see Tech rally after some close early season losses to the likes of Houston, Mississippi State, and Southern Miss.

Kellen Moore and the Broncos do not care whether a Sun Devil is a real deity.

MAACO Bowl: Thursday, Dec. 22, 8PM
Arizona State (6-6) v. Boise State (11-1)

For the second year in a row, a missed field goal late cost Boise a possible shot at the title. To rub salt in the wound, the Broncos once again fell to the MAACO Bowl, where they whipped Utah in the 2010 version. While it’s tough to argue with a trip to Vegas, Kellen Moore and company will have to trade the casinos for a shot at lame duck Arizona State Coach Dennis Erickson, who will get to coach the bowl game despite already having his office cleaned out.

How Boise State Got Here: See above. For the 4th time in eight years, no BCS love for the Broncos despite finishing in the top 10. QB Kellen Moore and the senior class will be going for their 50th win, including a perfect 5-0 against schools from the Pac-12.

How Arizona State Got Here: The Devils, who have a potent offense of their own, were 5-1 at one time with victories over USC and Mizzou. But the wheels fell off in November, as ASU dropped their last four, costing Erickson his job after four seasons. Six-foot-eight giant QB Brock Osweiler has the stats to match Boise’s Moore, but hasn’t been as prolific in limiting the turnovers.

Hawaii Bowl: Saturday, Dec. 24, 8PM
Nevada (7-5) v. Southern Miss (11-2)

There are worse places to spend the holidays than Honolulu, where the Wolfpack will battle C-USA champion Southern Miss. It will be the third time Nevada has played in this bowl since 2005. Kudos to Golden Eagle coach Larry Fedora still coaching in the bowl game, despite him taking the North Carolina job for next year.

How Southern Miss Got Here: The Golden Eagles notched a school record 11 wins, upsetting previously unbeaten Houston in the C-USA title game. 2011 was the 18th strait year that So. Miss has put together a winning season, a streak suprassed by only three other FCS programs. QB Austin Davis has broken most of Brett Favre’s passing records, but has yet to to send his first junk pics to a female reporter.

How Nevada Got Here: After going 13-1 last year, the Wolfpack had to rebuild a bit, but still managed a solid mark under coach/Pistol formation originator Chris Ault. The Wolfpack’s seventh consecutive bowl appearance appeared questionable early in the year, but freshman QB Cody Fajardo helped Nevada right the ship.

Mizzou QB James Franklin hates Carolina blue...on Dec. 26th, at least.

Indepedence Bowl: Monday, Dec. 26, 5PM
North Carolina (7-5) v. Missouri (7-5)

Named because its inaugural game was on America’s bicentennial in 1976, the Independence Bowl gets a familiar face in the Tigers, who will make their third appearance in Shreveport under Gary Pinkel. The Heels salvaged some pride for their season after seeing Butch Davis get ousted a few days before the campaign began.

How Mizzou Got Here: Bowl prospects looked bleak when the Tigers were 4-5, but the schedule down the stretch lightened up, and Mizzou reeled off three consecutive wins to get their school record seventh bowl appearance in a row. Mizzou’s rushing offense was one of the nation’s best this year, but RB Henry Josey shredded his knee during a November game against Texas.

How North Carolina Got Here: It was a chaotic opening to the season for the Heels with Davis getting shown the door just before fall camp, but interim coach Everett Withers kept the ship afloat and could get NC to its fourth strait eight-win season.

Dig this preview? Check out Bowl Bonanza, Volume 1.

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The Bucs' collapse is not the cheerleaders fault. They did great work.

NFL: Which team’s face plant in the second half of the season has been more impressive: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the Buffalo Bills?

Zero-Star Recruit: If Tampa continues its nose dive, LaGarrette Blount is gonna put a right cross to head coach Raheem Morris’ jaw. Buffalo has been in reverse since it inked Ivy Leaguer Ryan Fitzpatrick to a fat new contract earlier this season. Would have to give the honors to Buffalo, who has lost by 25+ points three times during their current six-game skid.

StraitSportsG: The only thing LaGarrette Blount should be worrying about hitting is a hole. His yds/gm avg. is down 10 yds from last year. Ryan Fitzpatrick’s beard alone is worth that classy contract. The Bucs have lost 7 games in row and the Bills have more wins this year than last. Tampa Bay gets the nod as they have went down faster than Snooki after three jager bombs and a good fist pump.

College Football: Which team lucked out the most in the bowl selections?

Zero-Star Recruit: The consensus seems to be Virginia Tech, and rightfully so. A BCS bid is a pretty favorable draw for a team who’s best win was beating Georgia Tech. Apparently administrators in the Hokie athletic department have dirt on Sugar Bowl officials, or perhaps they just all like to get together for some killer bowl parties. A close second has to go to Ohio State, who is in the Gator Bowl despite a 6-6 record. Not to mention they are currently the only team in college football with two separate coaching staffs currently employed. What tOSU wants, tOSU gets.

StraitSportsG: There will always be problems with the BCS until there is a playoff. Yet, the luckiest team would have to be Team Nike. Every team except Wisconsin (adidas) in the BCS games are Nike teams. If I had to say one team I would say UCLA, I mean they were in the PAC12 championship game because of USC’s probation and then they had to receive a waiver to go to a bowl because they have a losing record! You can’t tell me there was not another team with a .500 or better record that deserved to play in a bowl game?

UC was so appalled by Yancey Gates' behavior, he will have to sit for one entire Big East game.

College Basketball: Thoughts on the ‘Crosstown Shootout’ melee.

Zero-Star Recruit: It’s good to see UC getting back to its Bob Huggins-esque roots. Somewhere, Dontonio Wingfield is smiling.

StraitSportsG: Could you imagine if a kid on a band scholarship sucker punched a member of another school at a competition. Would they be allowed to remain on scholarship? Somewhere a real gangsta is waiting in prison for one or two of these goons.

College Basketball: Who should sit atop the polls?

Zero-Star Recruit: Ranking college basketball teams a month into the season is equivalent to choosing your Miss America contestants at a baby pageant: Way too early to know anything or tell who will be a train wreck by the time it really matters.

StraitSportsG: Too early? Maybe too early for basketball polls but I think we can sort out some babies from being considered as Miss America contestants pretty early. I hate to hear people lie about how cute some babies are. I mean, it would do the parents and the kids good to know the truth about their gremlin. Of course looks aren’t everything, but if the kids realize earlier in life, maybe they can concentrate more on academics. They will need help because good looking people earn more money, and that’s science.

Zero-Star Recruit
StraitSportsG

Saturday, December 17th (Three Games)

This Temple Owl mascot looks pretty ferocious. Hopefully it can handle the spur of a Wyoming Cowboy in the New Mexico Bowl.

New Mexico Bowl: Temple v. Wyoming

Bowl season kicks off in Albuquerque between a pair of 8-4 teams in a game whose winner each year gets a 20-inch piece of Pueblo pottery, adorned with native designs and the team’s logos. I’m not sure how this stacks up against other trophies, but at least it has a local feel.

How Temple Got Here– The Owls were also 8-4 last year under Al Golden, but were left out in the bowl-game cold. This season with former Florida OC Steve Addazio as head coach, Temple reeled off three strait wins to close the year, and had a nice 38-7 beatdown of Maryland on the road. The Pac-12′s suckiness was Temple’s gain, as this was spot was supposed to be filled by a Pac-12 team, but there weren’t enough bowl eligible teams.

How Wyoming Got Here– 3rd year coach Dave Christiansen got to this same bowl game in his first season at the helm, when the Cowboys won a double-OT thriller over Fresno State. Wyoming’s list of losses this year is respectable, as the Cowboys dropped conference battles to Boise State and TCU, while also losing an early season matchup in Lincoln against the Corn Huskers.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Ohio U. v. Utah State

Formerly the Humanitarian Bowl in Boise, this game’s new name is almost as ridiculous as the blue turf it will be played on. The new title sponsor is the group responsible for that ‘Grown in Idaho’ seal you have probably seen on some bags of potatoes.

How Ohio Got Here– The Bobcats were well on their way to a MAC title last Friday night, but folded like origami in the second half and lost a 20-point lead to Northern Illinois. Despite going to four bowls under current coach Frank Solich, the Bobcats have not won a bowl game in their program’s history.

How Utah State Got Here– It was the Aggies who were on top against defending champion Auburn in the season’s opening weekend until the final minute, when a late TD gave the Tigers a victory. After starting 2-5, Utah State has put up five strait WAC wins to finish the year, earning the team’s first postseason trip since 1997.

San Diego State's Ronnie Hillman will try to show 'The Big Easy' he's one of America's best kept secrets.

New Orleans Bowl: San Diego State v. Louisiana-Lafeyette

The Diet Coke of New Orleans bowl games pits the Aztecs against the Sun Belt’s Louisiana-Lafayette. The Ragin’ Cajuns will get to play in their own backyard, something they have never done in the bowl’s 10-year history.

How San Diego State Got Here– In their first year without Brady Hoke, the Aztecs went 8-4 and have back-to-back bowl dates for the first time in 44 years. Sophomore RB Ronnie Hilman ranked third in the country in yards per game, helping SDSU win four of their last five down the stretch in the Mountain West.

How Louisiana-Lafayette Got Here– Despite finishing third in the league, the Cajuns got the Sun Belt’s top bowl slot since it’s just about an hour from the Super Dome. See, even in the smaller bowls, politics is in play! Louisiana-Lafayette also finished the season 8-4, and had a six-game winning streak at one point in the year.

Tuesday, December 20th

Beef O’ Brady’s Bowl: Florida International v. Marshall

Down in St. Pete, a pair of teams that both defeated Louisville earlier this year will go at it in the fourth edition of one of college football’s younger bowl games. UofL won this bowl game last year in a thriller over Southern Miss, but the Big East was unable to fill its slot this year because of a lack of six-win teams. Both teams are probably guaranteed some pretty good wings and burgers for their pre-game meal.

How FIU Got Here– After earning the program’s first ever bowl berth last year, Mario Cristobal and the Panthers set the new mark for wins this season by going 8-4. It may not seem like much, but FIU was a dismal 0-12 just four years ago. Cards’ fans saw first-hand just how dangerous WR T.Y. Hilton can be when the Panthers won in Cardinal Stadium in September.

How Marshall Got Here– The Thundering Herd had an up-and-down ride this year, ending up just 6-6. Although this Marshall team is a far cry from the Randy Moss-Chad Pennington days of yore, they did get a pair of nice wins: one over Louisville and one over C-USA champion Southern Miss.

Keep checking back as the bowl season unfolds for more tidbits on each of the games.

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With NBA billionaires haggling with NBA millionaires, there is gridlock on the negotiating front for professional basketball. Some care, while others are happy to see it burn. Regardless, there’s no denying that some jobs and businesses are going to be affected by the lockout, and we’re not just talking about the guy with the funny shirt slinging beers in Section 112.

Gilbert Arenas has probably only bought eight Berettas since learning there may not be an NBA season.

Firearms

Whether you are Ralph’s Pawn Shop or an Eastern European arms deal, this NBA lockout has severely cut down on your clientele. Players who used to pack heat everywhere they went, including the locker room, are now stuck without a paycheck, and could be rolling out to the club naked with no trademark piece.

Defense Lawyers

Good thing defense attorneys found out Jerry Sandusky likes to “horse around” in the shower, as their number of clients to represent may go down with the work stoppage. While it’s doubtful that the NBA’s top citizens will stop getting into legal trouble, it is probable that they won’t be able to afford the top shelf lawyers who will claim that the running over of an innocent pedestrian was all “a huge misunderstanding.”

Who is supposed to support the ladies and gentlemen working at the club if Stephen Jackson isn't getting a paycheck?

Gentleman’s Clubs

The NBA lockout may be the worst thing for the adult entertainment industry since some cities instituted the moat around the dancing stage. Gold clubs, private escorts, and the like are all probably taking a hit in NBA cities, as some of their most loyal patrons are probably having to cut down on the number of nights they can “Make it rain on b***h!”

Bodyguards

When you are young, super loaded, and first-time rich, you need a big dude to become a glorified babysitter when you go out and act a fool. Unfortunately, the lack of a paycheck may keep the body guards at home and some of the players unsupervised. Don’t worry, I’m sure the thought of David Stern calling players into the principal’s office will influence them to do the right thing.

VIP Bottle Service

Nevin Shapiro is locked up, and now the NBA is locked out? Those $150 bottles of Gray Goose are going to be tough to sell. And what section are we going to let the underage girls into? This is becoming a bigger problem than the clubs can handle, and pretty soon some of the players may have to start mingling with some of us low-class common folk.

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Justin Tuck and the G-Men have leaped all competition in the East.

NFC East

After every media pundit and their mother talked up the Eagles over the offseason, Philly finds themselves with Washington in the division’s basement at 3-5. While the Skins were one of the September surprise teams, four strait losses have sent them falling back to earth. The standings are still tight, however, with the Giants in front at 6-2 while not losing in a month going into their showdown this Sunday against the 49ers. Dallas, sitting at just 4-4, will still have a shot, as they have yet to play New York.

Greg Jennings, much like the Pack, is looking back at the rest of the feeble NFL.

 

NFC North

For as great as a story as the Lions have been, they may need to go the wild card route if they want to taste the playoffs, as Aaron Rodgers and the Packers have been lighting up the rest of the league during their 8-0 start. The Lions and Bears are both within striking distance at 6-2 and 5-3 respectively, and Detroit still gets Green Bay twice, including once on Thanksgiving. Finally, a turkey day game with the Lions that may not put us into a food coma. Chicago appears to be hitting their stride now that they have solved some of their O-line mysteries, and have a huge game against the Lions this week.

Drew Brees and his facial birth mark are once again in an NFC South dog fight.

 

NFC South

N’awlins (6-3) has a half-game edge on the defending champion Falcons, and the two teams still have a pair of showdowns between them, starting this Sunday in the Georgia Dome. Atlanta hasn’t lost since since an October 9th game against Green Bay, and play their next three at home. Tampa Bay (4-4) isn’t dead yet, as they already split with the Saints and upended the Falcons in their first meeting. No word yet on whether recently claimed Albert Haynesworth will do a cage match with new teammate LaGarette Blount.

Celebrations have been plentiful for Justin Smith and the '9ers this season.

 

NFC West

Calling this division a race is a pretty liberal term, as the 7-1 49ers are five games ahead of the nearest contenders, Seattle and Arizona. San Fran has used a steady defense and solid ground game to win five in a row, with its only loss coming by a field goal to Dallas in week two. The Seahawks, Cardinals, and Rams have seen their seasons turn south for a variety of reasons, including a possible link to Jim Harbaugh’s Jedi mind tricks.

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Former unknown Fred Jackson hopes to lead Buffalo back to the Bills' glory days.

AFC East

It’s shaping up to be quite the three-way dance, as the surprising Bills are running neck-and-neck with the Jets and Patriots (all 5-3). Each of the three have beaten one of the others, so the remaining matchups between the trio become even more compelling. Said games between the three start this Sunday night, when New York tries to stretch its winning streak to four when they host the Patriots. New England’s schedule seems to be the most favorable down the stretch, as their only games against teams above .500 are their contests with Buffalo and the Jets.

Don't tell AJ Green that the Bengals are the annual NFL punch line.

AFC North

Similar to the AFC East, the North division is a three-horse race between two perennial favorites and a sleeper team, as the Bengals have reeled off five wins in a row to match Baltimore’s 6-2 mark. Pittsburgh isn’t far behind at 6-3, but last Sunday’s heartbreaking loss to the Ravens gave Ray Lewis & Co the season sweep. If the Bengals make the second half face plant that most suspect they will, it will at least be among the family, as Cincy still has five of their six divisional games left to play. Those key tilts start with a visit from the Steelers this Sunday. No word on whether Big Ben will be visiting Main Strausse in Covington for some pre-game action.

Will the Texans bust their playoff cherry in 2011?

AFC South

Although the Houston Texans are 0-for-the franchise when it comes to playoff berths, the door is wide open for them as we hit the latter half of 2011. A 6-3 start has Gary Kubiak’s gang a game-and-a-half up on 2nd place Tennessee, and the Texans already waxed the Titans in Music City. With Indianapolis face down in the gutter and Jacksonville in rebuilding mode, it is Houston’s division to lose. They are hoping they can close it out long before their rematch with Tennessee in week 17.

Shawn Phillips is trying to get healthy to help San Diego get back in the AFC West saddle.

AFC West

While the AFC West hasn’t exactly been full of thoroughbreds this season, at least it’s a tight race. Nobody in the division is over .500, and every team has negative point differential. Much like last season, the Chargers have teased and fought injuries to remain mediocre at 4-4. Oakland is also 4-4, but enters the 2nd half with a new QB at the helm, for better or worse. Kansas City wraps up the division’s trio of .500 teams after being left for dead when they were 0-3. As horribly as the Broncos have played, they still remain only a game back in the standings if John Fox can turn it around. KC’s second half schedule is pretty rough, as every team other than Denver is currently over .500. Oakland and the Super Chargers, who have yet to play this season, will kick off Thursday night NFL this week.

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