Author Archive
The Pinkie Previews the 2010 West Region: A-to-Z
By: Stella | March 17th, 2010 | Category: SportsA is for “Arinze Onuaku”
#1-seed Syracuse’s big man, Onuaku got hurt in the team’s Big East tourney loss to Georgetown. Supposedly his quad injury is day-to-day, but reports show a cloudy outlook of him being able to play the first weekend. The ‘Cuse opens with Vermont on Friday.
B is for “Bouldin, Matt”
Bouldin joins a long list of Gonzaga guards who have filled it up for the Zags (15.8 ppg). He’s the ninth Gonzaga player to win West Coast Player of the Year honors in the past 10 seasons. Long live Blake Stepp, Dan Dickau, and, Lord of the chest hair, John Stockton.
Another shaggy haired baller from Gonzaga
C is for “Chandler Parsons”
Parsons hit two game-winning shots for the tenth-seeded Florida Gators this year, helping them snap a two-year tournament hiatus. His 12 points per game help make up a starting five that all averaged in double figures.
D is for “Derrick Caracter”
The UofL castoff is now playing for UTEP, who is trying to win their first tourney game since 1992. Caracter is the only player on the Miners’ squad who has been to the NCAA tournament.
E is for “El Paso”
Home of the UTEP Miners, El Paso is located right on the US-Mexican border. Of the seven schools from Texas who are in this year’s tournament, only the Miners have ever won a championship. This was done when they were Texas Western in 1966. Remember ‘Glory Road?’ That’s them.
F is for “field goal percentage defense”
Leonard Hamilton’s ninth-seeded Florida State team lead the nation in field goal percentage D. It will be an interesting contrast to see how they match up against the shooters from Gonzaga.
G is for “Golden Gophers”
If this were Scattegories, I would get two points. Alliteration aside, Tubby Smith’s Gophers were left for dead after getting stomped by Michigan a few weeks ago. They rose from the ashes in the Big Ten tourney and snuck into the field of 65 as an 11-seed facing Xavier.
H is for “home court advantage”
Syracuse will play the opening two rounds just down the road in Buffalo, meaning the arena will most likely be decked out in all orange. If/when they get past Vermont, their second round opponents (Florida State/Gonzaga) may as well approach it as a road game.
I is for “Ivan Aska”
Ivan is the leading scorer on a balanced Murray State squad, who had six players averaging in double figures for most of the season. The 6′7″ sophomore hit almost sixty percent of his shots, but will have to deal with Vandy’s front line as the Racers try to pull the upset from their 13-seed.
J is for “Jacob Pullen”
Pullen leads one half of second-seeded Kansas State’s solid backcourt. Pullen scored in double figures in all 33 of K-State’s games, as the Wildcats went 26-4 against teams not named the Jayhawks.
K is for “Keith Benson”
Keith is averaging a double-double this season for the Oakland Golden Grizzlies, who are the 14-seed in the west. Benson is a beast (17ppg, 10rpg), and Oakland was 17-1 in the Summit League. We’ll see how he can match up with Pitt and some Big East muscle.
L is for “lunatic”
This is what Kansas State coach Frank Martin looks like when he is forced to call a timeout. He seems to be one step away from choke slamming one of his players. #15-seed North Texas is hoping Martin spends the entire game like this on Thursday.
Frank Martin is a madman.
M is for “Marqus Blakely”
Vermont’s Marqus not only has a unique spelling of his first name, but is also the only player in the country to lead his team in scoring, rebounding, assists, blocks, and steals. This begs the question for Blakely and his Vermont teammates: Is he that good, or are the Catamounts that bad?
N is for “North Texas”
The Mean Green, who took the Sun Belt conference crown, are in the tournament for the first time since 2007. The last few years, Western Kentucky has owned the Sun Belt. Their 24 wins are a school record.
O is for “Ogilvy, AJ”
Vanderbilt’s Aussie with highlights was DeMarcus Cousins’ whipping boy when they played earlier this year. After being a preseason SEC Player of the Year candidate, Ogilvy didn’t play as well as expected. Him and the ‘Dores hope to take care of Murray State in the west’s 4-13 matchup.
P is for “Pittsburgh Panthers”
Yes! Another two-pointer. Pitt lost their studs from last year’s team that was a #1 seed, but managed to prove the haters wrong by having a solid season and earning a three seed. Guard Ashton Gibbs was voted the Big East’s Most Improved Player.
Q is for “Q’Doba”
I couldn’t think of any Q themes, and I’m hungry.
R is for “revenge”
Back in 2005, Vermont upset a 4th-seeded Syracuse squad in the first round of the tourney. Jim Boeheim isn’t going to be messing around with the Catamounts this time.
S is for “Stevens, Brad”
Stevens is in his third year as Butler’s head coach, and the team has made the big dance all three seasons. Stevens, who has been at Butler as an assistant for the entire 21st century, will face UTEP in the opening round.
Brad Stevens
T is for “thirty”
That’s how many wins 13-seed Murray State has this season, thanks to a 17-1 record in the Ohio Valley Conference. Murray will be looking to make the Bluegrass state proud in a matchup against Vandy. In 1990, Murray State almost became the first 16-seed to win when it took Michigan State to overtime.
U is for “Utah”
Home state of 7-seed Brigham Young University, and the regional finals, which will be in Salt Lake City. While BYU has been a tournament fixture of the last decade, they have been what ladies would call a one-minute man. Seven tournaments in the last 10 years, but no victories.
V is for “Vanderbilt”
Mega-rich shipping and rairoad tycoon Cornelius Vanderbilt provided the first endowment for Nashville’s prestigious university, hence the name. Vandy has been in the tournament three of the past four years.
W is for “winning streaks”
In a 5-12 matchup, Butler takes on UTEP in a contest of teams that have been hot down the stretch. Butler has the nation’s longest winning streak (20), while UTEP had the nation’s second longest such streak (16), until it was upended by Houston in the C-USA title game.
X is for “Xavier”
The sixth-seeded Muskies have been to five strait NCAA tournaments, and nine of the last 10. In those nine appearances, they have advanced past the first round in all but two.
Y is for “Y is Oakland called Oakland?”
The Golden Grizzlies are located in Rochester, Michigan. I would love to hear an explanation on why their school shares the name with one of the most notorious cities in America. That being said, I’m down to see them pull the upset.
Z is for “Zags”
Nickname of the eighth-seeded Gonzaga Bulldogs, who have been to 12 consecutive NCAA big dances. That is tied for the fifth-longest active streak in the NCAA.
Mini-Roast of the ESPN College Basketball Analysts
By: Stella | March 12th, 2010 | Category: Hilariousness - SportsMarch madness is in full swing and that nerdy dude in your office is already trying to unload bracket sleeper picks as if he has some sort of insider stock tip. What better way to get ready for the hoops insanity than to clown on him? While we’re at it, lets just set up a mini-roast of all the college basketball analysts we will be listening to over the next few weeks. Feel free to add your own hate of the ESPN stooges in the comments section. Perhaps next time we will truly go below the belt and do a round of hate on the hideous female sideline reporters the four-letter network throws at us this time of year.
Doug Gottlieb
I wanted to start the P90X workout until I heard the commercial “ESPN’s Doug Gottlieb is in the best shape of his life.” Thankfully, I can now continue to sit on the couch and do 12-ounce curls. I don’t think anyone would argue with me when I say Gottlieb seems like the dude who would wear two popped-collar polos at the bar, to go with his gelled hair and fruity drink. Have you seen the schnozz on this dude? It makes Bruce Pearl and Bob Sagat blush. They should have held all the Vancouver Olympic skiing events on his left nostril.
Science has proven the highlighter's fumes have made Digger clinically insane.
Digger Phelps
Some like to call Digger the King Tool. Holding a highligher while you talk does not add any credibility when you speak, although it does almost take some of the attention off your greased up white hair. Is Digger’s highlighter color coordinating with his tie? Who cares, the other guys on set are only worried about if he took his geritol so he won’t vapor lock on the air.
Dick Vitale
Note to Dukie V: You already had one throat operation because you talked too loud and too much. Now that you are back in the spotlight, you are screaming the same nonsense at the same decibel level. This is akin to someone with lung cancer continuing to smoke a pack a day once they start their chemo treatment. And why do you have to fondle your play-by-play commentator before every big game? There’s a fine line between excitement and homoerotic touching.
Jay Bilas
Raise your hand if you have ever wanted to break the ‘Bilastrator.’ I would rather watch Rosie O’ Donnell work over a farm animal than see Bilas try to teach X’s and O’s. If only Bilas were as cool as he was tall, then perhaps we wouldn’t swear when we find out he is calling a game.
Hubert Davis
Hubie puts an exclamation point on the pro-ACC crew by slobbing all over his alma mater, North Carolina. I’m pretty sure he still has them as a bubble team for this year. While he may not be quite as annoying as the rest of the crew, that is the equivalent of being called the cutest fat chick.
Ben Roethlisberger Off-Season Training in Full Swing
By: Stella | March 9th, 2010 | Category: Hilariousness - Sports - UncategorizedJust a few years ago, we were all near tears puking as we heard about choir boy/Steelers’ QB Ben Roethlisberger driving his little sister to prom on the team’s bye week. While Roethlisberger’s bye week activities may be pure and altruistic, his off-season endeavors are a bit more brash. After hitting the college bar circuit in the Milledgeville, Georgia area this past week, Big Ben is facing sexual assault charges from a 20-year-old. She claims the quarterback may have put his hands under center when she asked him to get back in shotgun formation. While there is definitely a chance she’s just a gold digger looking to get into the quarterback’s pockets, this is the second such case brought against the Manchurian Quarterback in the past few years. It’s tough to hate on a single, 28-year-old pro athlete looking to get some strange, but throwing booze down an underage girl’s throat is something that NickEv would do to a young hottie on a Friday night. Here are a few other off-season activities Big Ben may be taking part in to prepare for the upcoming season.
Hoping to get an honorary degree from Georgia College and State U?
- Bathroom attendant
Much like the guy handing out towels at a gentleman’s club, the Miami-Ohio alum seems to enjoy his time in the men’s room. Although we may never know exactly what went on in the now infamous Georgia bathroom, I’m sure Roethlisberger was running the hurry-up offense. Whether it was a criminal act or just a random hookup, Ben seems to have mastered the intricacies of public restroom etiquette.
- Greek Week participant
What better way to fan your competitive flame, all while getting to impress some college-age girls? Big Ben dropping anchor in the tug of war event would mean an instant victory for one lucky fraternity. Better hope there’s not a flag football event, otherwise there’s gonna be some frat boys catching long bombs while blushing chicks look on with Solo cups in their hands.
- Public speaker for underage drinking awareness
Commissioner Goodell loves NFL players making public service announcements almost as much as the athletes hate making them. The Manchurian quarterback wants to remind all young people that drinking if you’re under 21 is just wrong…unless you have a fake ID want to come into his VIP room.
Former UK Football Coach Guy Morriss Teaching His Team Not-So-Civil Disobedience
By: Stella | March 4th, 2010 | Category: Cats - Hilariousness - Sports
Former University of Kentucky head football coach Guy Morriss, who is now the head coach at Division-II Texas A&M-Commerce, is standing firm after some of his players recently orchestrated a mass theft of all copies of the school’s student newspapers. Players weren’t trying to organize a ‘Go Green’ campaign, but instead were taking the papers as a protest, because the front page story covered the arrest of two football players for marijuana possession. Although there have been no claims of the report being incorrect, players still thought it their duty to organize an early morning raid of all newspaper stands across campus.
In the February 25th edition of the student-ran East Texan, the busting of two Commerce players for weed was documented. This came after a related incident in January, when a recruit got sick after toking up with some current players. Amateur! Like Mystikal says: “B*t*h, you ain’t no smoker!”
No Limit rap references aside, instead of giving the standard apology about how his program doesn’t condone this type of behavior, Morriss is fully supporting the players, calling it “the best team-building exercise his team has ever done.” Morriss says he’s proud of his players for standing by their teammates.
Check out the whole story here, as it is a solid read. While Morriss’ team knows they can’t control the news in the information age (this isn’t Iran), they can at least get back at some pencil pushing journalists by taking a whole bunch of newspapers that were eventually going to be sent to the recycle bin, anyway. Perhaps after this team-building exercise, Morriss’ squad will finish better than the 5-5 record they had this past season. Whether you agree with Morriss’ position or not, you have to laugh at his devil-may-care attitude, although it may cost him his job.
Morris was 9-14 in two seasons as head coach of the Cats, taking over after the Hal Mumme fiasco. After a 7-5 season in 2002, he jetted for his home state of Texas to take the Baylor job. After five years of getting smoked in the Big 12 south, Morriss was axed, and spent last year on the Kentucky State staff before getting his current gig at A&M-Commerce.
NFL Combine Drills
By: Stella | March 2nd, 2010 | Category: SportsEach February, the premiere players from college football head to Indianapolis for the NFL scouting combine, where they will be prodded, drilled, and quizzed by a host of people, most of which have never put on a football uniform. Executives, scouts, doctors, and coaches from all 32 teams are in attendance, oggling young males in skimpy clothing. While it may seem a bit homoerotic that older males with clipboards are staring at muscular young men in lycra, it’s all in an attempt to find the next superstar, while avoiding the selection of the next Ryan Leaf. Below is a list of some common drills that all prospects have to perform while at the seven-day event, which concludes today.
- 40-yard dash
The mother of all speed drills, players are timed at 10, 20, and 40-yard intervals. While 40-times are considered the holy grail in learning a player’s foot speed, it is interesting that the drill is done with no pads, and in a complete straight line.
- Bench press
Players don’t just max out like one of these guys at the gym, but instead see how many repititions they can get at 225 pounds. This is supposed to get a barometer on a player’s endurance, instead of just how much they can throw up one time. If you don’t think that’s important, Todd McShay will hunt you down and make you listen to his top-10 prospects.
- Vertical jump
Who’s got ups? That’s pretty much the point of this drill, as players start flat-footed then jump and reach for the highest flag possible. Even offensive lineman do this drill, since leaping as high as they can is an essential job requirement.
- Broad jump
Just like on field day back in elementary school, you just stand in one place, and jump as far forward as you can. While explosion is imperative, balance is also key in this drill, as you have to land without a wobble.
- Three cone drill
Cones are arranged in an L-shape, and players have to navigate through in a jagged sort of way, testing an athletes ability to cut on a dime. Seems that this would be an essential drill for defensive backs and running backs to master. Players struggling in this event run the risk of slipping way down Mel Kiper’s big board, which surely causes them to lose sleep at night.
- Shuttle run
Another activity you may have performed back in gym class, the shuttle run is like a mini-suicide drill. Players start in a three-point stance, go five yards, then head back the other way 10 yards, before a pivot and closing it out with a five yard sprint. Lateral quickness and explosion are what the suits are looking for in this one.
USA to Face Canada in Grudge Match for Gold Medal
By: Stella | February 27th, 2010 | Category: SportsHere at the Pinkie, we have given Canada and the Winter Olympics quite a bit of face time over the past few weeks. With the games winding down, we are set for a North America-only gold medal men’s hockey match between Canada and the United States on Sunday afternoon at 3:15PM. For one day, Americans can act like they care about hockey, all in pursuit of another gold medal, not to mention the hope of crushing our northern neighbors on their own tundra. Throw NAFTA out the window and get your canuck jokes ready when puck drops.
Pilgrim in an uholy land. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)
With the Canadian women’s hockey team already having beat the US to take gold, then celebrating in awesome fashion, the men’s team will be trying to exact revenge for the chicks. Atonement is also in the cards to avenge the 2002 Salt Lake City Olympics, when the men’s Canadian team took gold from the US on our home ice.
While the US stunning Canada earlier this week in the preliminary round was nowhere near the upset from thirty years ago when we beat the commies USSR, it got the Canadians in an uproar and gave the Americans another sport to rally behind. US goalie Ryan Miller, who has been an international stonewall throughout the tournament, stopped 42 of Canada’s 45 shots in the 5-3 shocker. Since then, the US has taken out the notoriously neutral Switzerland 2-0 in the quarters, then finished the Finnish 6-1 in the semis. I apologize for that horrible pun.
Beating the Canadians twice at their country’s most beloved sport will be a tall order. Regardless of outcome, the US still holds a comfortable lead in the medal count over its closest competitors, Germany and Norway. This means we can continue to be arrogant assholes to the rest of the world, simply extending our middle finger in the general direction of anyone who may have a problem with us.
Overused March College Basketball Phrases
By: Stella | February 24th, 2010 | Category: SportsLate February means that the stretch run of the college basketball season is in full swing. As we get ready for the anarchy that will rule over the next month, it is also time to take a look at some postseason basketball phrases that are used far too often by the talking heads.
Steve "Hairdo" Lavin will use some of these phrases on ESPN over the next few weeks.
- Overall body of work
I know commentators are talking about a team’s cumulative season results when they use this phrase, but it sounds as if they are talking about that particular team in a sexual way. Please remind us about which wins were sexiest, or if the team’s resume will only look good when/if the selection committee is drunk.
- Bubble burst
What do you get when a team on the cusp of the tournament doesn’t get selected? Cool alliteration! Whether it be a 24-6 mid-major or an 18-11 power conference team, it’s ironic that as the season winds down, these teams get more air time than the favorites.
- A team you don’t want to play in the tournament
My personal favorite are teams that present a “tough matchup,” or are a “tough out.” Yes, some teams are hotter coming down the stretch than others, but who are the teams you do want to play in the tournament? I would guess the teams that are the lowest seeds. If possible, the teams to stay away from in the tournament are the ones seeded the highest.
- Renowned bracketologist
Two steps above Miss Cleo and the rest of the psychics are recently invented bracketologists. What an awesome country we live in where a lifetime of crunching RPI numbers and a fear of the opposite sex can land you jobs with the most popular sports outlets. Will someone please post on their site the projected NCAA tournament field for 2014?
Awesome Canadian People and Items
By: Stella | February 18th, 2010 | Category: HilariousnessWith Vancouver hosting the winter Olympics this year, it is only fair to give some Canadian people and items their due props. Sure, Canadians carry the stereotypes of being arrogant, talking funny, and economically leeching off America, but there are some bright spots. The following is an abbreviated list, so feel free to enlighten us with more cool Canadians in the comments section.
Steve Nash
Anyone who thinks that Canadians only play hockey has never watched Nash drop dimes all over the rest of the NBA. The two-time MVP (much to Shaq’s chagrin) didn’t start playing basketball until age 12, but has been running the point as well as anyone since his days in college as a Santa Clara Bronco.
Crown Royal
Although we love our native bourbon here in the bluegrass state, it’s tough to refuse when someone offers you some of Canada’s finest whiskey. Crown and cokes have been the demise of many men, be it a native canuck or a whiskey drunk American.
Michael J Fox
Not sure if there has ever been a greater trilogy than Back to the Future, and Marty McFly is a big reason why. The native Canadian’s feuds with Biff Tannen were classic, even if you found his other works, such as Teen Wolf, to be lacking. Fox’s TV stint on Family Ties was solid. His time as the lead character for four seasons on Spin City was also quality, before he gave way to everyone’s favorite domestic disputer, Charlie Sheen.
Wolverine
One of Marvel’s all-time bad ass characters was born as James Howlett, a Canadian. While we’re unsure if adamantium claws are a common characteristic of our northern neighbors, there’s no denying that Wolverine would make a nasty defenseman on an NHL team.
BC Bud
If you don’t know about this one, there’s no need to even ask. Some of the cannabis emanating from the pacific northwest gives me a contact high despite the fact I’m over 2,000 miles away. Let’s hope the government spends our hard-earned tax dollars on something other than trying to eradicate this natural beauty.
James Naismith
We have Naismith to thank for the game of basketball, but we also have him to thank for the founding of the University of Kansas basketball program. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Naismith is also credited with introducing the first football helmet. Neurologists of today can thank him for keeping them in business as they tend to delusional former football players.
John Molson and his Molson beers
Molson beers may cost a little more than your standard american lagers, but there’s a reason why: the stuff is potent. Think of it as a beer that can keep the Canadians warm during their brutal winters. The maple leaf on the top of the beer cap should be a reminder that you are messing with forces that watered down American beers can’t even comprehend.
Awesome Winter Olympic Events
By: Stella | February 11th, 2010 | Category: SportsOn Friday, February 12th, the opening ceremony of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games will take place in Vancouver, British Columbia. That’s in western Canada for all you geography buffs. While Americans don’t get as excited about the winter games as the Scandanavians or Canadians, there are some events that could prove to be entertaining.
The last time I went skiing and shot stuff, I was politely asked to leave the ski resort.
Biathlon
Combining the activities of skiing and rifle shooting seems like something that would go on at a frat party in Aspen, but its an actual olympic event that has been around since 1960. Contestants ski up to a spot 50 meters from a target and take five shots, needing to hit areas of the target to avoid penalty time. Not only do contestants have to be a crack shot, they also have to be in shape, as the men’s course is 20 kilometers long.
Sliding Sports: Luge, Bobsleigh, Skeleton
Think of these as a sleigh ride on steroids. Bobsleigh can be done in teams of two or four, while the luge can be individual or two-person. The skeleton event, which is similar to the luge except contestants are on their stomachs, sees participants get a 50-meter running start before diving head first onto their sled. If you think you’ve seen some cool wipeouts watching your friends sled down a hill, you haven’t seen anything until you see these dudes and dudettes flip at ridiculous speeds.
Ice Hockey
Most people aren’t too upset about ESPN taking hockey out of their programming rotation, but you have to respect a contact sport played on ice. Any sport that can include fighting as a strategic ploy has my vote for an awesome game. Missing teeth and mullet-like haircuts will be the norm in the men’s 12-team, round-robin tournament. There’s no doubt the host Canadians will be looking for gold in this event.
The snowboard cross event seems like solid entertainment.
Snowboarding: Parallel Giant Slalom, Halfpipe, Snowboard Cross
One of the newer events of the winter games, snowboarding was added in 1998. The parallel giant slalom is a one-on-one matchup through a series of gates. In the halfpipe, participants go all winter X-games, performing a series of jumps and tricks in an attempt to earn a high score. For the snowboard cross, four racers run at a time, racing over rough terrain and a series of jumps and ramps.
A Corporate Holiday Tangent
By: Stella | February 11th, 2010 | Category: Hilariousness
As Valentine’s Day approaches, men everywhere as starting to groan at the notion of trying to find their significant other something that is both unique and creative. For many guys, the only appealing part of V-day is seeing a female co-worker break down in tears because no one got her a dozen roses.
What makes today’s holidays and special occasions so annoying is that they have been scarred by consumerism. Although there’s nothing wrong with some capitalism, men everywhere are fed up with commercials telling chicks that unless their man drops a couple Benjamins, he probably doesn’t love you. Here are a few companies who are staying afloat by participating in the shams known as corporate holidays:
Hallmark
Birthdays, holidays, any day that ends in ‘Y.’ Hallmark has a $4 piece of cardboard for every occasion a human can go through. Your buddy just woke up from a six year coma to find out his lady is now seeing his brother? Try the sympathy cards in aisle six. Why use your own thoughts and words when some suit sitting behind a desk making six figures can do it for you?
Helzburg diamonds
These vandals in suits make it seem as if true love did not exist before sparkly necklaces or rings. While there’s no debating that more carats equals more nookie, not all of us own the Trump Towers. Instead of being seen as a token of affection, the diamond industry has created a monster where females compare their rings as if they were trophies.
Russell Stover
Let’s buy each other a heart-shaped box of chocolates so we can grow fat together. If you had any inkling of leaving the relationship, there’s no sense in doing it after receiving that milk chocolate bunny. Single girls don’t really dig a 250-pound dude with a chocolate mustache.
Florists
An entertaining experiment would be to study the price of flowers on February 14th, as opposed to February 16th. I doubt there’s much difference in the growing process if you purchase the roses two days apart, so why the disparity in cost? Think of it as a legal shakedown, but good luck filing price discrimination charges. Even though their locked away in the green house, those green thumbs aren’t stupid. Gotta love the free market…
